Can I say that the person I feel like now is totally different from the person I was in February. In February of this year I was scared of my own shadow, I panicked at the slightest moment of distress, and I could barely leave my house without taking Xanax and sometimes that did even work. It was safe to say I was in a very dark and scary place mentally. I was almost to the point where even the thoughts of my husband and child were not enough. I was truly ready to just go to sleep forever. I hated myself. I hated the weakness, I hated the crippling fear, I hated the lack of interest, I hated that I had gotten to the point that I couldn't even smile at my young son's crazy comments and activities. It is so hard to explain, but if you have been there or suffer from anxiety, depression, and OCD then you know where I was at.
I was just so tired. All the things in life I enjoyed just vanished. My therapists kept telling me I had to much time on my hands and I needed to get up and make plans. She also reminded of the name of my blog...Walking with Becky. Becky needed to walk and she meant it literally. I knew I needed to get up and start exercising, I just couldn't make myself get up and do it. I started telling myself that every week this would be the week I would start walking the track at the church behind the house. However, every single week I came up with a reason to push it back another week. Part of the hatred that I was feeling was aimed at myself. I am fat, I can't walk up the stairs in the house without being winded. I couldn't stand up from the chair or the bed without rolling out of it. I felt like a watermelon with legs.
When I hit rock bottom in February and decided I had enough I had written something on a pad of paper.
"The light at the end of the tunnel…how stupid. There is no light at the end of the
tunnel. The light is behind me and the
tunnel just gets darker the further you go.
I know I am going the wrong direction.
But the tunnel is so dark I can’t figure out the way up or down. I think I am traveling down and not up. But occasionally I get confused as to which
way I am going. I do know that whichever
way I am traveling panic, fear, and anxiety are becoming rage and anger but
past that there is blessed numbness and I am feeling hollow. Through this tunnel, whichever way I am
traveling I just keep repeating and hearing the echo ….Chandler, Jeremy,
Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy,
Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy………….."
After writing that I threw the pad down on the bed and turned over to go to sleep. My husband read it, I knew he was coming home and sometimes I think I left it there on purpose so he could see it. After reading it I heard my husband falling apart, he knew I was ready to leave. Hearing my husband being ripped apart by something I wrote was the turning point. I knew he needed me and no matter how tired and ready I was at that moment I had to reassure him I was okay and I wasn't going anywhere. That was when I knew that it was time to suck it up and crawl my way out of this dark hole I was in.
I also knew that exercise was the key. To all those people out suffering like I was and people telling you that getting up and becoming active and exercising helps, they are right. I know when you are falling down that rabbit hole of darkness, every time someone mentions you just need to get up and exercise you just want to punch the crap out of them. Unfortunately it does truly help. I knew that I was never going to go to that track and start walking on my own. I needed someone right there beside me pushing me to do it, someone to be waiting on me every day. When someone is waiting on you to show up and your paying them money you tend to make less excuses. A year ago at this time I was working out at the gym, I had a trainer I met with once a week and she didn't allow excuses, I was doing weight watchers (for any of you that are OCD, I do not recommend weight watchers, it is a really bad trigger for OCD), I was loosing weight and I just felt great. Then I broke my arm playing racquetball and everything I had done went down the drain. That is when the world started becoming dark and I started sinking into the quicksand.
I have gone back to using a trainer, Phyllis is great. I have started changing my eating habits and I am loosing weight. Since starting back at the gym I haven't lost a whole lot of actual weight off the scale but I am now wearing jeans that I haven't been able to wear in over a year. I feel good, I have more energy, I am happier, more at peace, and the old me is starting to resurface.
Now I am not saying my "illness" is cured and all the anxiety is gone away. I don't think it is something that is ever "cured". It is managed. Once you become able to function and think rationally again you can begin to focus on the issues and change them but most importantly you learn the triggers. You figure out where the problems are and what to avoid. My OCD still triggers and I still get anxious. I know that when life gets hectic and a lot of things start piling up I start getting nervous and shaky. But I don't spend every waking moment waiting for the panic attack that will finally get me admited in a mental hospital. I see the warning signs and am once again learning how to deal with it as it happens. For people that suffer from the same problems the best thing you can do is figure out what triggers the anxiety, the fear, the panic, and the OCD. Then once you figure it out you learn techniques to help you deal with it or avoid that issue. Now I don't really want to use the word avoid the issue because if that was the case then I would have never driven a car again or leave my house. But there are some things that you know trigger those feelings that you can avoid. The best method in my opinion is learning the triggers, learning to be aware of those feelings and stop them before they begin. I go to the gym, I have started yoga, I am learning zentangling, I am using anti-stress coloring books. All of these things help calm me so I can deal with the issues that are causing all those bad feelings.
There is one more new issue that had reared its ugly head in my life now and it is called RAGE! My next post will focus on this new emotion in my life and how I am dealing with it.
Till later....
Becky