So last week I was pumped up, yes the scale hadn't moved in either direction, but I was wearing jeans I hadn't been able to wear in over six months, I got my engagement ring back on my hand, I was starting to see some muscle definition again, and I just felt really good. I felt healthy. I had convinced myself that my goal was more about health then numbers on the scale. I have managed to keep within my weight watcher points daily. I could tell there was a pep in my step, not because I was all the sudden skinny, but because I knew that I was so much healthier then I was a month ago. People were asking if I had lost weight. I realize that is more about the way I felt about myself than the way I actually look. A month ago when I was walking around I felt like a watermellon, I felt fat. Now as I am walking around I don't feel fat. Sure I still weigh 300 lbs, but I wasn't feeling the 300 lbs. I can now walk up the stairs in my house without pausing at the top to catch my breath. I truly feel that the way we preceive ourselves has a lot to do with the way others see us. If you feel fat, then people see fat.
All of this was last week's feelings. I was determined that it didn't overly matter what the numbers on the scale were, it mattered on how I felt. I felt healthy and good. I wasn't winded after sweeping the floor and taking breaks because I was exhausted. Those were the important things, not the fact that the numbers on the scale have been stuck at 310.5 for over two weeks now. For those who don't know me I am very OCD. It seems that the scale has now become an object for my obsession. Last week I was going to start this blog repeating the scale is not my obsession. I am not sure if I was trying to convince you or me. Now I know, I was so trying to convince myself. I have failed miserably.
Jeremy keeps trying to convince me it is about the journey and not neccessarily the destination. I know I have to be driving the man up a wall. (Sorry, honey!) It is official, I am obsessed with the scale, I must have stepped on that damn scale 10 times yesterday. I came home from the gym crying yesterday because the numbers aren't moving. I mean what the hell am I doing this for?
I don't mind the workouts at the gym. I have remembered this past month how much I truly enjoy the workouts and weightlifting. I love my trainer, she is awesome, funny, patient, and really good at what she does. I find the workouts at the gym with her are fun and I really look forward to those three days a week I get to spend with her. I don't really care for the off days when all there is to look forward to is some boring cardio equipment. Eventually I will make it to a couple of the cardio based classes. I love the gym.
But all this eating crap, that is where it gets me. I have become obsesed with food. How many calories, how many weight watch points, how big is this portion (I am doing everything I can not to allow myself buy a food scale), and can I force myself to eat veggies I really don't like. I go to the grocery store scanning everything through weight watchers for points before it goes in the buggy. And I remember when the most diffcult thing at the grocery store was passing up the donuts (you should still see me run past them with my eyes averted and as if the devil is chasing me). I keep changing my normal recipes at home for lighter ones, making Jeremy and Chandler eat stuff they don't really care for either. I must stop and admit here that Jeremy hasn't complained yet about the food changes.
Why am I forcing all this food crap if the numbers are just going to sit there. I am denying myself everything and for what? For the numbers to sit at 310 for multiple weeks in a row. Yesterday at the gym I asked Emily what am I doing wrong. So we spent a majority of the time discussing food. Too much fruit, too much bread and carbs, too much sugar, and not enough protien. Between that and the numbers on the damn scale I have gone into a funk. I came home so upset and crying, Jeremy tried real hard to help me. He listened to me rant over having to change once again the way we eat. How do we add more protein and less carbs? Should I just eat chicken everything day and cook them something else? I love to cook normally, now I am beginning to hate it. It was fun at first with finding a way to lighten up my normal recipes but still keep them from tasting like cardboard.
It is taking a lot of thinking, visualization, and arguments with myself to try and convince myself I am looking at all of this wrong again. I don't think I have been truly successful yet. Jeremy and I talked again last night, with him reminding me that this wasn't suppose to be about a diet and just becoming skinny. He didn't care about the numbers on the scale. In the beginning, even though I set a number goal, I didn't care about the numbers on the scale. I just wanted to be healthy and active. I crave being outside, hiking, walking, camping, bike riding, and so many other outdoor things. My weight has stopped all of that. It is real hard to hike outdoors when you can't walk up your stairs without being severly winded. This was about getting to do all of those things, it was about being able to actively play with Chandler and teach him a love for outdoors. I have never been skinny and I never will be. I will never wear a bikini swimsuit on the beach.
If I drastically change my eating habits just to lose weight then I know I have already lost. It will work, the numbers will go down and I will be happier for awhile, but in the end it will just be a diet. What happens after the diet is over? The weight returns. Did my eating habits need to change...hell yes. Drinking four dr. pepper's a day, having a large bag of mini kit kats every day for lunch, eating a pint of ice cream every night night, having three and four waffles with syrup every morning, and just grazing on junk all day needed to go. But denying myself everything is a little extreme and will just cause me a serious relapse at some point. I mean I couldn't even cook dinner last night because everything I picked up last night had more then the allotted amount of carbs or sugar.
Well obviously I haven't fully convinced my OCD yet, because I am still feeling the inner tug-of-war, but I have to remember this was a lifestyle change for a healthy me, not an obsessed me. I will still count the carbs, the sugar, the protien, and the numbers on the scale for a little while longer. I still feel depressed and upset by the lack of weight loss. My brain knows the logic and the reality, this was about learning moderation and control. My emotions and OCD will eventually catch up with my brain. Just not today.
