Fight Song

Hello Everyone!

I figured it was time for an update. So last week Jeremy was in Seattle and Portland spending each day watching the first round college games in March Madness.  Ugh, sounds horribly boring to me, but he loves it.  Chandler has been at my parents so that I could have some time to see if I can get my head back on straight.

It has been great, I don't really want reality to return.  There have been no pressures, no demands, no schedules to keep, places to be, no worries about the state of the house or if dinner is cooked.  And even better, I think my mother has gotten my son potty trained! Thank you God!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy should be home very late tonight; of course that is if his flights don't continue to get diverted (long story, not worth sharing).  I am ready for him to be home.

I have slowly been learning a lot about myself and what makes up the person I am.  Last time I posted I talked about my life rope.  I have really clung to that imagery this week.  However, I noticed something else that has always been in my life but I have never paid attention to how important it is to my life.  That is music.

I love music.  And thinking back it is everywhere in my life.  I remember singing children's songs at church. I can remember having music time in elementary school, Ms. Carol was the teacher I think, she had this record player and would play songs that we would sing in class. "She'll be coming around the mountain" is the first song I think of.  I remember growing up and my Aunt Debbie was always singing songs to her boys and the rest of the grandchildren.  I remember my dear sweet grandpa rocking the babies in his recliner at night just a singing soft lullabies.  I can't remember what any one song was, but I swear sometimes I can still hear the murmur of his voice as he would sing and rock.  It makes me so sad to know that my son never got to be rocked and sung to sleep by grandpa.  I remember my first records were Michael Jackson's Thriller and Madonna's Material Girl.  I think I wore those records out.  I loved watching musicals on TV.  Grease was probably my favorite.  I remember in my preteen years locking myself in my room in the evenings dancing my heart out and singing at the top of my lungs to songs.  I was performing concerts and living other lives on those nights.  My poor parents, I don't remember them complaining much.  I remember Sarah and her obsession with the Judds and Pasty Cline.  We knew all the words and would sing constantly to them.  Sarah and I riding in the back of my dad's truck singing those songs at the top of our lungs together.  I slept with a radio on all the time, sometimes I don't think the radio ever got turned off, even when I was at school.  I am pretty sure I drove my mother mad with that one.

In high school I joined the band, I would rather have joined the choir, but as much as I LOVE to sing, I am tone dead.  So I joined the band and played the clarinet.  I was okay with it, I loved hearing all the music from the entire band, but I didn't love the instrument.  I wanted to play the violin or the piano, but those weren't instruments that were taught in band.  I would still give anything to learn to play the piano, but someone has told me that I am too old to learn.  Oh well, Chandler will one day learn for me.

It was this week that I realized how powerful music is for me.  I don't care for silence, but I am not like Jeremy and others that can just have the TV on in the background.  I want music on.  I might tune it out but it is still there.  When I can't sleep I can put headphones on so that all I hear is music, the words, the beat of the drums, and rhythm of other instruments.  I just sort of drift off.  I just let the music surround me and sometimes every thing falls away.  I think that is always why I have music going in the car.  I have realized that when the music is on and I am caught up in it, I am doing things like driving on autopilot.  There are no worries and no concerns.  Even when I travel the music is blasting, but if I get in an unfamiliar busy city I have to turn it down so I can concentrate on the traffic and what I am doing.  When I have Chandler in the car with me, I usually have to turn the music real low to hear him talking to me, maybe that is why I get nervous while driving with him.

This week I have realized that music gives me strength.  It powers my emotions.  The type of songs brings on those emotions.  This week I made a new playlist and called it My fight songs.  I heard a new song on the radio a couple of weeks ago and loved the sound of it, the beat, the rhythm, the tune, the voice, the whole song appealed to me.  Then I listened to the words.  I have since downloaded the song and play it on repeat sometimes, singing the song at the top of my lungs over and over.  I have even caught myself dancing around a room to some of the songs, I haven't done that in a long time.
But this new song, by Rachel Platten has become my motto song.  It has made me realize that I am stronger then I think.  Honestly at the beginning of last week I had given up.  I was just going through the emotions, almost happy about the coming day when I couldn't leave the house.  Now I am not.  I am strong and I am a fighter.  And this song, aptly named, "Fight Song" has reminded me of a part of myself that I thought lost.  I would like to share the lyrics to the song with you.


                                                       "Fight Song"

Like a small boat
In the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
In the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Till later....

Becky

My Life...My Rope...

Good evening everyone!

Well it is pretty late in the night, but I can't sleep.  I have had the focus of a blog rolling around in my head so I finally gave up trying to sleep and thought I would write instead.  Now let me first warn you that I probably have enough thoughts rattling around in my head to make up three separate blog post, so forgive me if I start to wonder off or ramble around.

So as a trained counselor I believe very highly in the power of visualization.  But I learned a LONG time ago just how powerful visualization can be to a person.  Imagine...you are a heavy person and you start working out, even though you probably haven't lost any weight in a week or two (or if you have it isn't really noticeable) people start making remarks that you look like you have lost weight.  That my friends is visualization.  It is so powerful that sometimes we outwardly can project those visualization and others notice it in us.  A skinny person eats a dozen donuts and is guilty and thinks they instantly gained ten pounds; suddenly people make mention of them looking they have gained weight.

I think I have always been a person with strong visualization abilities, it is also known as imagery.  Regardless of what you call it, I have been using it my entire life to navigate my way through life.  Sometimes this skill is subconsciously done and sometimes we do it on purpose.  Rehearsed a speech in the mirror, played out a conversation, interview, or confrontation in your head....all of this is the same concept.

Since I have been having "problems" I have realized that I have had lots of problems with imagery and visualization.  I haven't been able to do it.  I hate surprises and the unknown so when I plan on Sunday for the what the coming week will bring, I am visualization all the appointments we have, places to be, deadlines to meet, and anything else that could happen throughout the week.  That is why I never use to worry about today, because I was already a week ahead in my mind.  These days I can't imagine the next hour, much less, already planned the hour I am currently experiencing....hence intense panic and anxiety.

So what does all of this have to do with a rope?  I imagine that our life is a rope.  A rope can be small, thin, and extremely fragile, it can be long, skinny, and shiny, it can be thick, tough, and rough, and you get the idea.  But every person's life is a rope and it starts at birth, even conception as a very thin, fine, fragile, and almost microscopic thread.  Very easily breakable.  As we grow, as we experience life, emotions, traumas, tragedies, happiness, love, laughter, and sadness a new thread is added to our rope.  As we get older and experience life our rope grows thicker and stronger.  As adults our life rope (I like that concept name) is made up of hundreds and thousands of threads.  On its own a single thread can break very easily but our threads become entwined with each other and melded together into one strong rope.  Sometimes threads fray and become thin, some become ragged and break, and some grow thicker and stronger.

For the last year of my life I have slowly visualized my rope getting weaker and weaker, thinner and more fragile.  I see threads fraying and some might even have broken.  I feel as if I have no control and things are spiraling so fast I am loosing the grip and connection to my rope.  I fear what happens when there are only a few threads left holding my rope together.  If a rope breaks and all the threads snap is that death?  I can't let that happen.  I refuse to let that happen.  These thoughts and the things I have been going through has convinced me that somehow I have forgotten or lost many of the threads that have been my life.  At almost 38, I could imagine there are million of threads that have grown together to make up my rope.  Think of a memory from your childhood that you all the sudden remember and that memory makes you smile, cry, happy or sad; you are remembering a thread.  I think remembering those memories, those threads, remind us of who we are and reinforce a frayed thread.  So I think that is what I need to do.  Remember who I am.  I use to be proud of who I was and the fact that I saw myself as a strong, independent person.  Now I look in the mirror and see a weak, frightened, and terrified person hiding in the corner from life.  I am not even sure I look in the mirror anymore.



Some of you may view all of this as utter bullshit.  It doesn't matter how you view it.  It doesn't matter if the concept makes sense to you or not.  Some may think I am continuing to freefall off the deep end (heck I still feel like I am freefalling off a cliff) and some may think I am grasping at anything I can catch to break my fall.  I know that even though I feel okay at this moment, I also know that I am still freefalling downwards.  For tonight I am going to go to sleep dreaming that I am trying very hard to hold onto that rope and stop my freefall.  Tomorrow, the next day, or even next week I will worry that I may actually still be falling and the bottom is getting closer.  But right now I got a fingertip grip on the rope, which in my mind is progress.

Kim this week I am taking your advice and hitting the reset button. :)

Till later....
Becky

I don't have an answer!!!!!

Hello everyone!

Well, I said this was going to be a bad week.  Let's just say this week has SUCKED!!!!!! Of course I went into the week feeling like things might be bad.

So let's just get straight to it.  I have been asked many times this week by many different people what is wrong?  What is causing all these reactions?  What is bothering me??  I could probably come up with several more ways that same question has been asked this week.  And the Answer is???? I have no damn clue.  I could list several different things that are bothering me or worrying me at any one time.  And trust me that list would be long and more then half of it would be illogical.  I feel like I am fighting endless battles in my head.  I come up with worries, what-ifs, negative thoughts, or potential problems ALL day long.  And as I am thinking those crazy, illogical, and unreasonable feelings and fears, I KNOW they are crazy, illogical and unreasonable.  But I am learning that knowing it doesn't always convince yourself.  And the thoughts and feelings are even beginning to enter my dreams.

Do you know how exhausting and draining that is?  I get to the point, especially after having a panic attack, that the well is dry and I have nothing left.  I just become numb and hollow inside.  I don't care.  That is the time that Jeremy fears the most.  In my case, it is the time I am okay with and even somewhat relieved.  I would say that is the time that I look forward to, but that really sounds bad.  At least when I am numb and hollow there is no worries, their is no illogical battles going on in my head.  I don't feel scared, sad, upset, angry and it is nice to have a few hours not feeling that way.  The other side to that is that I really don't have the energy to feel ANYTHING.  I don't feel happy, excited; I am not even sure how much love I feel at those times.  I just am going through the motions.  I put on the right face, but it is fake, blank, and empty.

That is how I feel right now.  I had a panic attack Monday afternoon again while driving my son home from daycare.  Then I had a severe one yesterday trying to go to my quilter's guild meeting.  So of course several ladies had to actually force walk me inside the room and then everyone could see that Becky was having her crazy moment.

To make matters worse, I have realized a new "worry" to obsess about.  Right now Chandler doesn't understand what is going on with mommy.  He is too young.  But one day he will be old enough to understand that there is something wrong with mommy.  To think last year at this time I was worried my son would get older and be embarrassed because his mommy was fat.  That is the least of my worries now.  Now I am worried he will be embarrassed because I have lost my mind, gone crazy, and can't leave the house without having panic attacks.

And yes, I know even as I write that paragraph it will not be true, but that doesn't mean I have convinced myself.  Maybe I have split personality?? Nah, I am probably a better study for Freud and his theory of id, ego, and superego.

    

Till later....Becky

My very unsettling weekend

Hi everyone!

Talk about foreboding....that is the theme of this weekend.

Let's start with Saturday.  Instead of queuing up some background music, let me just give you some background information.  We have no really close friends, especially those that fit two very basic criteria: a) Have children, much less children close to Chandler's age and b) that even live remotely nearby.  So there is a new couple in my quilt guild.  An older lady, more my mother's age then mine (but that is typical for me) and her daughter (more my brother's age).  But the mother and I seem to be hitting it off, kindred spirits I would say.  Her daughter is a lot more outgoing then I am, but I like her.  Even better she has a little girl that is Chandler's age.  So a couple of weeks ago, Katie (the daughter) and I were chatting on Facebook and she mentioned they were having a birthday party this past weekend for her little girl and would we come and bring Chandler.  Since it was so far in advance and I was sure I could come up with an excuse not to go and honestly it did sound like fun at first, I said we would come.  I even went so far as to put it in on the calendar.  As I got closer to the date, the more nervous and anxious I become.  Then Katie came down with the flu and I just knew the party would be canceled, ahh my saving grace.  No such luck the party was still on.  I so didn't want to go.  To a party with a bunch of small children and a bunch of mothers that I did not know.  I was terrified.  Friday night I finally started talking about the party with Jeremy.  I just didn't want to go, but I was having a hard time because ultimately the trip was for Chandler.  Of course Jeremy threw that word agoraphobic out at me again.  Hey if I never want to leave home that is my decision right??? I notice no one is agreeing with me there.  Saturday morning rolls around and I REALLY don't want to go.  But it is for Chandler, so I do the one thing that ensures I can't get out of it without really regretting it ALL weekend long.  I tell Chandler we are going to go to the zoo.  Now Chandler might not care about the animals at the zoo, but he LOVES the train.  At that point I am doomed to make a trip to the zoo to a birthday party with a lot of strangers and young children.  As it is time to leave, I just want to sit on the floor and throw a crying, screaming fit, saying you can't make me go.  Instead I take a Xanax, I probably should have taken it earlier but I was in too much of a panic to remember it.  So out the door we go.  Now when I have to go somewhere I don't want to go I usually use music or thoughts to distract myself - yep that didn't work.  I drove all the way to the zoo with a white-knuckled death grip on the steering wheel, refusing to look at each exit that I passed.  Hey those exits are escape routes back home.  I am not sure how I kept it together and actually made it to the zoo, but I did.  And it helped that the Xanax had kicked in by then.  Once at the zoo, I will say it wasn't so bad.  It was good and terrible at the same time.  I sorta had fun.  Chandler had a blast.  But I seemed to be the only one constantly hollering at my child to come back and slow down.  All the other kids stayed close to their parents.  Not my kid, he equates the zoo with the train, feed the fish, and a fun maze to run as fast as he can through and leave his parents behind.  My nightmare come to life every time he turned a corner and I couldn't see him anymore.  That hitch of fear when you realize you can't see your young child ahead of you and the even worse gasp of fear when you turn the corner and don't immediately see him.  If it hadn't been for that constant fear I would have been okay.  Of course most of the parents looked at me like I was a horrible person because I couldn't keep up with my child.  They really weren't looking at me that way but my imagination said they did.

So was Saturday successful??? A good day or a bad day??? Which corner do I put a check mark in...horrible, failure, bad, okay, good, great, or successful??? Part of me says failure...but I am trying to focus on something good... I saw Chris (the mother) and I haven't seen her in awhile.  Seeing her makes me want to cry in relief sometimes because she is battling a lot of the same problems I am, which means she REALLY gets it.  I did get out of the house, to the zoo, with just me and Chandler.  So I am putting a mark in the successful box.  I did it.  It might have taken some kicking, screaming, and drugs to do it, but I did it.  Only for Chandler.

The reason I want to say failure is because the anxiety and fear of going into Alexandria and being around people is getting worse not better.  It seems foreboding...which leads to the next foreboding even of the weekend.

My aunt has posted on Facebook the date for the upcoming Chandler family reunion/Crawfish boil.  It use to be a time of year that I really looked forward to.  Never missed it.  Already the fear of going feels like it is stuck in my throat choking me.  I have already asked Jeremy even if he could find a reason for him and I not to go and send Chandler to my parents for that weekend so he can go.  I want Chandler to be there, I just don't want to be there.  And it isn't that I don't want to see my family and my extended family from Arkansas that I only see about once a year.  But yet at the same time that is exactly what I don't want to do.  I don't want to leave my home and safety and go there for the day.  Here I know who I am, I am comfortable with who I am and my husband and son loves who I am.  Around family I always feel like I need to play a role and no matter what I do, I never measure up.  I am not skinny enough, not exciting enough, not sociable enough, don't say the right things, don't dress good enough, and honestly the list could go on and on and on and on and on....you get the idea.  I just don't want to go.  I already feel the need to cry with panic because I don't want to go.  But I have to go...Oh Lord, Easter better hurry up and get here or I will drive myself crazy over this family event.

And the last event, actually happened last night and this morning.  NIGHTMARES.  I dream, alot.  Always have been a dreamer.  Sometimes I can dream so much I feel like I have gotten no rest at all.  Usually about seven out of ten times my dreams are actually horrible nightmares.  The doctor has given me some medicine, that doesn't really stop me from dreaming but it does make it so usually within 30 minutes of waking up I can't remember the dreams.  Doesn't seem to be working this time.  I had a lot of dreams, nightmares last night and unfortunately I can't seem to forget these.  Now most of the time my nightmares are very crazy and unrealistic. Almost sci-fi crazy.  I had two separate nightmares last night.  The first was the crazy, unrealistic, sci-fi nuts.  It was like something out of a really creepy Criminal Minds episode that was doing a crossover with the Walking Dead.  (And I hadn't even gotten to watch the Walking Dead episode from last night yet..so I can't place the blame there.)  This nightmare woke me up.  That is usually a bad sign for me when a nightmare wakes me up.  Usually means I was really scared and freaked out and it also means I am doomed to repeat it as soon as I fall back to sleep.  I did fall back to sleep but this second nightmare was not a repeat episode.  It was actually worse because it was very realistic and something over my head like an anvil that I have been waiting for it to drop on me.  In my dream it had dropped and I was dealing with the consequences of it.  It was really bad.  The worse thing about both nightmares is that I still remember them both vividly and I can't seem to forget them, which means I will replay them over and over in my head and desperately to the point of panic try to find something to distract myself from the replays in my head.


I guess I am going to go eat and watch last night's Walking Dead as a possible distraction.  Heck it will be nothing compared to me first nightmare last night.

Can I just tell you I have a horrible feeling it is going to be a bad week already.........  

Till later....Becky

Even my toes are HAPPY!!!

Hello everyone!

I have decided today to write a happy post.  There are days that are happy, it is unfortunately the bad says that stick with us the most and are the ones that prompt me to write.  But even though there could be a few low points, I am doing pretty good.

The weekend was nice.  Chandler went to spend the weekend with my parents.  He hadn't been to visit in awhile and I needed a break, he needed a break, and I think Paw Paw was going through some serious Chandler withdrawals.  So Chandler was gone and Jeremy worked Friday and had a game Friday night and he had a game on Saturday that was far enough away he gone for most of the day.  I enjoyed those two days.  I sewed in my studio, I watched several movies, listened to some books, and even took a couple of naps.  The best part was that I worked in my studio till quite late at night and didn't have to worry about stopping unless I wanted to.  It was so nice and peaceful.  I even went to get a pedicure.  Hence the happy toes. If polka dots on your toes can't make you happy then I am in really bad shape. :)

I guess I should point out the downsides of that time but I promise not to focus on it.  Jeremy and I were supposed to attend a wedding down south and were going to go till the last minute.  Part of our backing out had to do with Jeremy getting a basketball game on Saturday, but if I hadn't changed my mind about the wedding, he wouldn't have gotten the game.  I just couldn't do it, the closer it got to the wedding the higher the anxiety and worse the panic attacks were getting.  Then on Saturday, while Jeremy was gone to the game, I really wanted to go see a movie.  The Jupiter Ascending movie is still out and really want to see it but Jeremy doesn't.  At one time, having an evening free like that would guarantee I would be at the movie.  I just couldn't do it, I couldn't make myself go.  Too scared.

Sunday was quiet, Jeremy and I slept late, took naps.  I got a little anxious that night.  So we got up and cleaned the areas that were bothering me.  Then we decided to watch the movie Gone Girl since I had finally finished the book on tape.  What a crazy book and movie.  I was suppose to go to my first yoga class on Sunday, and even thought Lyndon sent me a reminder, I did pretend to forget it.  Still haven't even mentioned going to them to Jeremy yet.

This morning I braved a trip into Alexandria to get Chandler from my parents.  I was supposed to go to my book club meeting, but I had to pick Chandler up at 9:30 and the meeting started at 9:30.  I could have gotten Chandler, taken him to daycare in Pineville and then returned to Alex for the meeting.  I would have been late but the meeting usually lasts till almost noon most of the times.  I wanted to go, but honestly I was scared and I didn't think I could handle two trips into Alex that fast on the same day.  The good thing was that instead of taking Chandler back to daycare, he and I made a trip to Walmart in Pineville (that is big for me, especially having Chandler with me).  Then we came home and laid around watching TV.  I am cooking dinner.  Chandler and I have made fresh frozen strawberry yogurt (actually we ate half of it before we could get it in the freezer) and we have made frozen yogurt bark with blueberry infused cranberries, strawberries, and mini chocolate chips.  It is in the freezer now.  Can't wait till we get to eat it.  Chandler and I had a great time licking the bowl.  It was nice to bring him home and spend the day hanging out together.

So yea there are some low points and things from the past few days, but right now I am looking at the glass half full and not half empty.  I will worry about the fact that my world is starting to narrow before my eyes tomorrow.  For today, I am happy, Chandler is home with me watching TV.  Dinner is cooking and it is a new receipt I wanted to try, healthy, but sweet desserts are waiting for tonight and my toes have pink polka dots on them.  Yep it is a good day!!!!!

Till later....
Becky