I must say the last month has been CRAZY. Some parts of it have been good, some not so good, and some really bad. In the grand scheme of things I am doing okay. My panic attacks are getting fewer and I am getting out of the house more.
I actually went to Alabama at the end of March for a three day long arm quilting class. I did really well considering I was away from home, by myself, drove the whole way there and back, and stayed in the home of the hostess (a complete stranger). I really learned alot about my long arm machine and free motion quilting. The class was with the amazing Irena Bluhm. I really hope to take more classes at another time. It was great and I learned that I really am an artist. Look at what I did!!!!
Another positive thing is that I started going back to the gym and working out with a trainer again. It is the highlight of my weeks. I love going. I may want to cuss, groan, cry, beg and plead for mercy while I am there, but in the end I feel so much better and really love going every week. I work with the trainer three days a week. Everyone says that it helps with anxiety and depression and I believe it. I feel so much stronger, not just physically but mentally as well. And in the month or so I have been going I have lost about 6 or 7 lbs. I am pleased with it.
I have not set any major weight goals or returned to weight watchers. All of that leads to obsessions and I am leery of anything that will trigger my OCD right now. Right now my main goal is just to feel better and get up and moving. I am still hoping that I can achieve the goal that I set last year around this same time and that was to reach my high school weight by the time I reach 40. Still have two years so it is entirely possible.
Today was really fun because we added some punching bag stuff to our routine. It was a BLAST. It is really great for releasing anger. I could see myself getting alot more into that. I use to love doing taebo and kickboxing in my early twenties.
I am leaving saturday for Tampa to spend some time with Marcy. I am really excited about that, first it is a chance to get away and I get to see Marcy. I don't think I have seen her since Chandler was just about ten months old and he will be four soon. I think it is supposed to rain while we are there but even if her and I are trapped in a hotel together I will be fine.
You know as I am writing this I am trying to think of the negative things that have happened since I last posted a blog. I think I was even working on a negative one about a month ago when I got sidetracked and never finished it. I find that to really be able to express the feelings I have to write about them while I am experiencing the feelings. I guess the two biggest negatives is that I was involved in a car accident that was my fault. It really shook me up and caused a massive panic attack. I was attempting to face a driving fear that day by going the direction that I went. It is safe to say that I did not conquer the fear as much as I reinforced the fear with the car accident in the exact area I was scared of. It really bothering me because I was hit on the same side of the car Chandler was sitting on. To make it all worse, it was my fault so I got the ticket and the damage to my car was so bad that my car was totaled. But hey I got a new car out of it so that is good right.
I have had a lot of problems with the quilting guild that I belonged to and basically have been pushed out. There is so much to this issue that it would take two entire posting to get it all out there and honestly I don't want to think about it. But I have quit the guild or at least stopped acting as the program director. The surprising thing with all of this is that instead of depressing me and causing panic attacks it has just seriously pissed me off. I have discovered in the last couple of months that I have developed some rage issues.
Rage is such an unfamiliar emotion for me that I don't know how to deal with it and process it. I can't seem to internalize it and let it go. It is very uncomfrotable, I think between the rage and the working out is a big reason for the fewer panic attacks. The rage is another reason I asked about adding the punching bag routine to our workouts. I need some way of releasing the anger.
Well I think this is enough of an update for the moment. Besides I would hate to bore anyone with the randomness of my daily life. I just wanted to let everyone that right now I am jogging up the hill and feeling good. I know that there will be some more stumbles, trips, falls and slips but I am determined in the end to keep going up that damn hill instead of tumbling head over heels down the hill.
Till later....
Becky
