Scale Obsession...Healthy?

I bought a new scale the other day and Jeremy has already hidden it from me.  Let's me honest it hasn't been a good week.  If I had written this blog anytime before Monday it would have had a totally different tone, but alas I did not get a chance to write and now everything has changed.  My emotions through this whole journey seems to be all over the place.

So last week I was pumped up, yes the scale hadn't moved in either direction, but I was wearing jeans I hadn't been able to wear in over six months, I got my engagement ring back on my hand, I was starting to see some muscle definition again, and I just felt really good.  I felt healthy.  I had convinced myself that my goal was more about health then numbers on the scale.  I have managed to keep within my weight watcher points daily.  I could tell there was a pep in my step, not because I was all the sudden skinny, but because I knew that I was so much healthier then I was a month ago.  People were asking if I had lost weight.  I realize that is more about the way I felt about myself than the way I actually look.  A month ago when I was walking around I felt like a watermellon, I felt fat.  Now as I am walking around I don't feel fat.  Sure I still weigh 300 lbs, but I wasn't feeling the 300 lbs.  I can now walk up the stairs in my house without pausing at the top to catch my breath.  I truly feel that the way we preceive ourselves has a lot to do with the way others see us.  If you feel fat, then people see fat.

All of this was last week's feelings.  I was determined that it didn't overly matter what the numbers on the scale were, it mattered on how I felt.  I felt healthy and good.  I wasn't winded after sweeping the floor and taking breaks because I was exhausted.  Those were the important things, not the fact that the numbers on the scale have been stuck at 310.5 for over two weeks now.  For those who don't know me I am very OCD.  It seems that the scale has now become an object for my obsession.  Last week I was going to start this blog repeating the scale is not my obsession.  I am not sure if I was trying to convince you or me.  Now I know, I was so trying to convince myself.  I have failed miserably.

Jeremy keeps trying to convince me it is about the journey and not neccessarily the destination.  I know I have to be driving the man up a wall.  (Sorry, honey!)  It is official, I am obsessed with the scale, I must have stepped on that damn scale 10 times yesterday.  I came home from the gym crying yesterday because the numbers aren't moving.  I mean what the hell am I doing this for?

 I don't mind the workouts at the gym.  I have remembered this past month how much I truly enjoy the workouts and weightlifting.  I love my trainer, she is awesome, funny, patient, and really good at what she does.  I find the workouts at the gym with her are fun and I really look forward to those three days a week I get to spend with her.  I don't really care for the off days when all there is to look forward to is some boring cardio equipment.  Eventually I will make it to a couple of the cardio based classes.  I love the gym.

But all this eating crap, that is where it gets me.  I have become obsesed with food.  How many calories, how many weight watch points, how big is this portion (I am doing everything I can not to allow myself buy a food scale), and can I force myself to eat veggies I really don't like.  I go to the grocery store scanning everything through weight watchers for points before it goes in the buggy.  And I remember when the most diffcult thing at the grocery store was passing up the donuts (you should still see me run past them with my eyes averted and as if the devil is chasing me).  I keep changing my normal recipes at home for lighter ones, making Jeremy and Chandler eat stuff they don't really care for either.  I must stop and admit here that Jeremy hasn't complained yet about the food changes.

Why am I forcing all this food crap if the numbers are just going to sit there.  I am denying myself everything and for what? For the numbers to sit at 310 for multiple weeks in a row.  Yesterday at the gym I asked Emily what am I doing wrong.  So we spent a majority of the time discussing food.  Too much fruit, too much bread and carbs, too much sugar, and not enough protien. Between that and the numbers on the damn scale I have gone into a funk.  I came home so upset and crying, Jeremy tried real hard to help me.  He listened to me rant over having to change once again the way we eat.  How do we add more protein and less carbs?  Should I just eat chicken everything day and cook them something else?  I love to cook normally, now I am beginning to hate it.  It was fun at first with finding a way to lighten up my normal recipes but still keep them from tasting like cardboard.

It is taking a lot of thinking, visualization, and arguments with myself to try and convince myself I am looking at all of this wrong again.  I don't think I have been truly successful yet.  Jeremy and I talked again last night, with him reminding me that this wasn't suppose to be about a diet and just becoming skinny.  He didn't care about the numbers on the scale.  In the beginning, even though I set a number goal, I didn't care about the numbers on the scale.  I just wanted to be healthy and active.  I crave being outside,  hiking, walking, camping, bike riding, and so many other outdoor things.  My weight has stopped all of that.  It is real hard to hike outdoors when you can't walk up your stairs without being severly winded.  This was about getting to do all of those things, it was about being able to actively play with Chandler and teach him a love for outdoors.  I have never been skinny and I never will be.  I will never wear a bikini swimsuit on the beach.

If I drastically change my eating habits just to lose weight then I know I have already lost.  It will work, the numbers will go down and I will be happier for awhile, but in the end it will just be a diet.  What happens after the diet is over?  The weight returns.  Did my eating habits need to change...hell yes.  Drinking four dr. pepper's a day, having a large bag of mini kit kats every day for lunch, eating a pint of ice cream every night night, having three and four waffles with syrup every morning, and just grazing on junk all day needed to go. But denying myself everything is a little extreme and will just cause me a serious relapse at some point.  I mean I couldn't even cook dinner last night because everything I picked up last night had more then the allotted amount of carbs or sugar.

Well obviously I haven't fully convinced my OCD yet, because I am still feeling the inner tug-of-war, but I have to remember this was a lifestyle change for a healthy me, not an obsessed me.  I will still count the carbs, the sugar, the protien, and the numbers on the scale for a little while longer.  I still feel depressed and upset by the lack of weight loss.  My brain knows the logic and the reality, this was about learning moderation and control.  My emotions and OCD will eventually catch up with my brain.  Just not today.

Goals, Rewards, and a changing life.

Good morning everyone!

Well someone asked me for a new post the other day.  She insisted on a new post and said this was her holding me accountable.  Thanks Kim, I needed the kick in the booty to write.

As an update to my last posting, it appears that the last two weeks, especially the week I was so upset about actually have been good weeks in the way of weight loss.  The one week I was so upset about I ended up loosing a grand total of 3 pounds.  I was so scared stepping on the scale that morning.  Once I realized that I had lost weight and as much as I did I was so happy I might have cried for a few minutes there.  I felt like I had climbed a mountain that day.  I know three pounds in a week isn't much to some but for me it was huge.
I have a weigh in my my wonderful trainer, Emily, every Tuesday.  I dread and look forward to that day all the time.  Tuesday of this week I stepped on the scale to realize I had lost two more pounds.  That makes five pounds in two weeks.  I keep wondering if I keep that average, how long it would actually take to get to my goal.  I am too scared to actually do the math, so someone do it for me.

All of this actually leads to the point of this blog.  Everyone keeps asking me what my goals are and at first the goals were real simple; 1. get to high school weight, 2. get off of medications, and 3. get healthy.  I have realized I am going to need a few more goals then this and with these goals I need some rewards.  I have been pondering and agonizing over these so called goals and rewards for the last two weeks.  Some of my goals are private.  I know I have put a lot of personal information out here with this but there is just some things that are TMI.  So just know that there are some goals you will never really know about.

My husband, Jeremy, has been a big support so far through this.  He is eating the new meals and recipes without complaints and he is helping with the shopping when I am worried the urges are going to overcome me.  He is also learning right along with me what places are bad to eat at and what foods are okay.  When I was preparing to go to the gym Monday night he asked how much weight I thought I had lost and what was my goal for the week.  I don't really have a weekly weight goal per say.  From week to week all I worry about is not falling off the donut wagon (I had no clue how much I liked donuts), not busting my weight watcher points, making it to the gym or working out five days a week, and loosing weight.  I don't really care how much weight I lose each week just as long as the numbers go down or stay the same.  If I made a weekly weight goal I would end up quiting.  I am a perfectionist and a little bit competitive with myself, so if I set a weekly goal and wasn't able to make it each week I would get depressed and give up.  Besides I figure as long as I am not busting my weight watcher points then the scale isn't going to go up.  So far I have kept my weekly goals except for making it to the gym five days a week.  I am making it there at least three days with Emily, but the other two days can be problematic sometimes due to life getting in the way.  So to fix that excuse I got a couple of  workout videos that I can do from home.

I have realized that since this is such a long term project I need to set some short term goals and long term goals and rewards.  So here is what I have come up with so far, this is just a hodgepodge of things, wishes, and desires that have crossed my mind in the last couple of weeks.

1. Get out of plus size clothes
2. Be able to get my engagement ring back on my finger
3. Participate in a marathon
4. Hike a nature trail 
5. Bike a nature trail
6. Shop at the Limited and be able to wear the beautiful clothes there. (I think that is the name of the store over by Dillard's)
7. Wear shorts
8. Lay on the beach in a swim suit without being self conscious
9. Go on a cruise (my fear of wearing a swim suit in public is what is stopping this for me)
10. Loose 100 pounds before attending my 20 year class reunion next year.
11. Run a mile
12. Play on an adult volleyball or softball team
13. Live a more active life with my husband and son
14. Throw away all plus size clothes and buy a new wardrobe

My first goal was to make it to 40 years old and weight within 15 pounds of 150.  I have learned that with these goals I need a reward system.  Now that was harder then coming up with goals.  Every reward I came up with at first involving indulging in some food I haven't been allowing myself to enjoy.  Well that sure doesn't work in the end.  For my ultimate goal, if I make to 40 with the weight I wanted then I want a HUGE birthday party.  I want every friend and family member there.  I am not going to dread and cry over turning 40, it is going to be the best birthday ever.  And I am not planning my own birthday party, I need some friends to step it up.  This party is going to be big, I even want my out-of-state friends to find a way to be there.  And if Jeremy and I leave on a second honeymoon the next day, then it would be even better.

Until this morning I still had no small rewards for the small steps.  But while riding the exercise bike at the gym this morning I was reading a People magazine that was spotlighting normal people like me who had lost significant weight amounts on their own.  It was about how they did it and what motivated them to do it.  One of the ladies in the magazine mentioned that every time she lost a total of ten pounds she would reward herself with something small, such as a pedicure or massage.  There was my light bulb.  This weekend, Jeremy and I, (though he doesn't know it yet) are going to create a ten pound jar.  In this jar we are going to fill it up with slips of paper that contain small and large rewards.  A pedicure and manicure, a professional massage, a weekend trip, a new item of clothing, and etc...Then each time I loose a total of ten pounds I get to draw a reward from the jar.  This weekend Jeremy and I will brainstorm for items to go into the jar.  If you have some suggestions then please send them our way.  (Besides it would be nice to see some comments.)

One other thing that crossed my mind with the whole goal and reward idea was what happens when I turn 40 and I have reached my goal.  What then?  I need a way to ensure that I keep the weight off, so when I turn 41 (a year after my goal date) if the weight is still off then I want to get a tummy tuck.  I will probably need one.  So I guess the Jabba jar will be my ten pound jar and the extremely awesome Princess Leia jar will be my tummy tuck jar.  So maybe with every ten pounds lost I should put ten dollars in the jar?  Will have to think about that one some more.

To all my fellow supporters and accountants, thank you!

  

The Good, the Bad, and the Okay

The Good, the Bad, and the Okay

My new trainer told me when we first got started to realize that some weeks would be great and I would see several pounds gone, some weeks would be bad and actually see the numbers go back in the wrong direction and some weeks would just be okay with no change.  Logically I understand this piece of advice, however I was expecting those bad and okay weeks to be further down the road.  Well not my luck.  This past week was a rough week in my opinion.  Now I will step on the scale tomorrow to find out whether it was truly good, bad, or okay.  But if felt like a bad week.

On Monday, of this past week I almost quit.  I ate a salad and busted all of my Weight Watchers points.  Now not only did the salad, my favorite salad by the way, take all of my daily points I had remaining on Monday, but it took all my extra weekly points.  I was so upset I think I cried even.  I could understand if I busted the week by being weak and buying those donuts, or cinnamon rolls, or junk food, but no a SALAD. I couldn't believe how a salad could ruin a whole week.

Who knew salads were EVIL!

Now I have only been doing Weight Watchers for about three weeks now.  But I have realized real quick that if I eat right during the week and save my weekly points then I can be a little indulgent over the weekend.  So I have been saving that extra Dr. Pepper, candy, ice cream, or donuts for the weekend.  I was so devastated this week to realize that I would have no points for the weekend.

My trainer really opened my eyes after telling her about the whole salad deal that my own attitude would be what would defeat me.  That really kind of scared me.  Wanting to give up completely after one slip up is my own worst enemy.  Probably has something to do with my OCD and perfectionist-attitude.  I realized this week, that three years is a long time and there are going to really bad weeks and good time.  I am going to have to learn to take those bad weeks in stride.

Of course after spending all weeks agonizing over the whole salad debacle I was able to put many things in perspective.

1.  The "I quit" because things go wrong one day has got to go.
2.  Understanding nutrition better.  A salad is not going to put on ten more pounds
3.  Weight Watchers is not exact, just because I go over in points doesn't mean weight will not be lost that week or weight will be gained.
4.  Three years is a long time.

As a side note: I have discovered something about me and blogging today.  If I am writing based on feelings then I need to do the writing when the feelings are present.  This blog would have been so much better last week while I was experiencing and working through these feelings.  Today is Monday, a whole new week and last week is done and gone.  My mindset and emotions are different today so I would write a total different blog based on my current emotions.  It seems like each Monday is becoming sort of a reset.

If only life really came with a reset button!

Stumbling blocks....

I thought getting out of Super One this weekend not once, not twice, but three whole times without buying krispy creme donuts or their fresh made cinnamon rolls was huge.  In some cases it might have been easier then the current roadblock.  Heck the first two times through Super One I managed not to even look at the bakery items as I walked through.  The third time was a little bit harder.  But it was actually a panic button tip on the weight watchers website that helped me through the issue.  The tip was about how to convince yourself not to buy or eat something that isn't good for you and how to decide if it was worth it or not.  It was that piece of thinking that got me through it.

I had just come from the movie theatre were I fell going up the stairs in the movie room.  Thank God we were late and the movie had already started.  Unfortunately I also fell in front of my brother's girlfriend, who I was meeting for the first time.  (Great way to make an impression!)  And the bruises on my toe confirm that I either broke it or sprang it real good.  I am babbling, let's get to the point here.  Before the movie I went to the Oriental Wok with a friend.  I had been saving up points all week just for that lunch.  I didn't use near the points I expected while I was there.  So after falling at the movie theatre and being good this week with my points I decided to stop at Super One and treat myself to a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Another thing I had to have while at Super One was this container of Planter's Omega 3 nuts.  It is a combination walnuts, cranberries, & dark chocolate covered soynuts.  It is awesome, and good for you.  Thank God because I can eat the whole container in one sitting if not careful.  So I got my ice cream, headed to get the nuts, which dammit was directly beside the bakery isle.  I looked at those donuts and cinnamon rolls for five minutes.  I even went to grab the donuts when I realized I had the ice cream and that is when I remembered the tip.  Was the donuts worth the ice cream?  Was the ice cream worth the donuts?  I couldn't have both.  In the end the ice cream won.  Of course I had to scan both to determine the point value for each.  Ice cream had less points, more milk, and I decided I wanted it more than the other.

So now my current stumbling block.  In my sewing studio I keep a container full of food to eat while I am in there.  I almost always forget to go for lunch while in there, so when I get hungry I snack on whatever is in the box.  Guess what the box contains candy and junk food.  I have bought new stuff to put in the box, but I just can't seem to do it.  Healthier food never tastes as good as chocolate.  I can't make myself throw all the junk food away and I certainly don't want to bring it in the house.  I will just eat it here.  It has got to go.  Too bad Jeremy is still out of town, he would hide it from me.

I think I figured out how to solve this stumbling block, it is all of you cheering me on and this embarrassing blog that is clearing the way.

Here is my current junk food box.  

 Here are the new items to go in the box (or refrigerator).

Here is the new improved studio lunch box.

And the old junk items have been double bagged and I intend to throw them on top of this pot in the top of my pantry, but the lid must be missing up there because the bag disappeared into the pot once thrown. 

 Out of sight out of mind.

Thanks everyone for your help!  You might not have even known you helped but you did.  Because I knew a few people would be reading this and Facebook, I knew I had to be strong enough to overcome this block in my way.

Sincerely,

Becky

Hello Everyone!

This will probably be the most embarrassing thing I have ever done.  A few people keep telling me how brave I am to put this out there.  I don't know if it is bravery, desperation, a plea for help, or my own way of dealing with the feelings.  Of course I think the last one is closer to the truth.  But it is also about accountability.  So let me tell you a little history first.

I am 36 years old.  I am married to an attorney, who is also a basketball referee.  My husband is pretty skinny and active, heck in the beginning I referred to him as a bean pole.  He has gained some weight since being married, so I guess now he is more of a totem pole.  We have been married six years in June and will have been together seven years in June.  We have an extremely active two and half year old little boy who would rather live outside riding tractors with his paw paw then be inside for any reason.

Growing up in high school I was pretty active, I played softball.  I also played family volleyball and things like that.  I did consider myself heavy in high school.  Especially since in my mind I wasn't skinny enough for any of the guy's in high school to want to go out with me, wasn't skinny enough or pretty enough to hang out with the skinny girls and their group, and wasn't skinny enough to be anything but the nerd.  (Hey, I was a complete nerd with my nose in a book.)  Looking back on those high school pictures I have to wonder if I was really heavy or not. Sure I wasn't a size 6, but I wasn't a blimp either.  My average weight in high school fluctuate between 135 - 150 lbs.

Almost twenty years later, it is safe to say I am fat.  I feel fat.  I get winded walking up the stairs to the second floor of my home.  I am having problems bending over, tieing my shoes, getting up and down from the floor.  Let me stop embarrassing myself, take my word for it I am fat.  I have been having help problems off and on for the last several years.  Of course none of the doctors have been brave enough to just come out a say your too fat.  Loose some weight and the problems with disappear.  

Within the last month or so the scale finally tipped over to 300 lbs.  I have hit the wall.  I can't keep doing this.  I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate that I can't do anything, I hate being winded.  I hate it all.  I want to run, play volleyball and softball with adults and not look like a watermelon rolling around the place.  I want to go hiking and bike riding with my husband and son.  I want to go to the beach so bad, even more I want to go on my first cruise.  But until I loose some weight I am too embarrassed for a beach much less a cruise.  

So I have set some goals and I need all the help I can get in keeping them. I know this is going to take time and will not be accomplished overnight.  But by 40 years old I want to:

1. Off all medicines
2. Better health
3. Weigh what I did in high school (between 130 - 150),
4. Run and complete my first marathon.

To start towards these goals I am in my second week of weight watchers, I joined the LC gym, I meet with a trainer three times a week, I plan to attend gym 5 days a week, and I have cleaned out the pantry and frig of junk and really bad food. And now I have started this blog.  It is meant to track my progress and emotions, get positive feedback, tips on eating better, and cooking better, recipes, and hopefully encouragement for others.  

I am not planning to post my daily weight watcher points, or food I ate this week, and things like that.  Just feelings I have, problems I discover, temptations in my path, triumphs, and setbacks.  And hopefully in three years I can close this blog with a better picture and a healthier life. 

Here is my before picture that I took today.  I am not proud of the pictures.  I hate them, but they are truthful and I have made a promise to myself to remain truthful to you and myself through the journey.

Let the journey begin.......

Becky