Today I am still walking....

I think this blog just might actually help save my sanity if not my life.  I have thought of several different blog topics over the last few days but none of them really felt right at the time.  Maybe later.
The last four days have been very long and difficult days.  Saturday I had to get out in town among people, not once but twice.  It was so hard to do.  I think I am doing a pretty good job of looking like everything was okay on the surface.  Besides when someone walks up to say hello and how are you doing; they don't want the real answer.  You say things are good, things are busy, things are holding up, or whatever BS you can come up with.

Sunday was a bad day.  Jeremy started off the day upset because of finacial issues which of course sends me into a funk.  I spend the whole time feeling guilty that it is all my fault because I can't handle going back to work, because I bought groceries, or fabric I needed for another quilt, or that I had just gotten Chandler some new clothes.  I wait for him to blame me, he never does.  So this of course sent my OCD into a tail spend and I franctically started cleaning closets and scrubbing floors on my hands and knees.  Jeremy and I finally confronted each other, which of course meant in the end I was sobbing uncontrollably once again fighting the need to just go to sleep or drive away to nowhere.  Chandler was witness to the crying and became upset and started hugging my leg saying he was sorry over and over.  That really made me fall apart.  I spend my life apologizing even for things that are not my fault.  My son at three was already picking up the habit.  That about destroyed me and Jeremy both.

The last two days have been rough because I haven't been able to sew and work because no daycare with all the schools closed.  Sewing is my haven.  Sewing and my husband and son are the only things keeping me making it through each day.  Chandler has been good today.  I was laying there a little while ago and I was really starting to feel anxious, lonely, and feeling like the walls were closing in on me.  That is usually the first signals that a pretty bad panic attack is on its way.  So to try and to head it off I picked up the phone looking for someone I could call that could distract me.  When I picked up the phone there was a message from my aunt in response to my last blog post.  I always wondered if she would be the one that could really understand what I am going through.

So my moral for this blog has been my surprise at how many people have read my blog and responded positively.  People I haven't spoken to since high school and probably never held a conversation with them for longer then five minues in high school have reached out.  I want everyone to know how grateful that makes me feel.  That isn't the right work, but I can't think of the right word.  I may not be able to reach out but it helps me hold my head up to know that there are so many hands out there reaching for me when I need it.
   

Disclaimer: For everyone reading this, I feel I should just let you know that if you are looking for professional and grammatical correct, you are reading the wrong blog.  I love to write, but I misspell words, either use to many commas or not enough.  And I will never figure out which word to use when it comes to choose, chose, loose, lose, loss, lost, and words of those types.  I dream of writing a book one day but knowing how bad my grammar is one of the reasons holding me back.  The second reason was thinking no one would be interested in anything I was to write.

Till the next day......

Becky

Name change part II

Good evening friends....

Well after much thinking I have finally came up with a new name for my blog.  I had many suggestions but in the end I came up with my own.  My husband asked me the other night when I was bugging him about a new name, what the goal and purpose of this blog was to be.  That was harder to answer then I thought.  I am struggling through life right now, sometimes I have to try to make it through each hour of the day instead of just getting through the day.  I know that there are many people out there who would read this and think that my problems are nothing and I have everything and should just get over it.  Everyone has problems in the world and yes there are people out there whose life sucks and makes mine look like roses.  Funny that thought doesn't make me feel any better.

I use to feel that I didn't have the right to feel certain feelings and would often apologize for being angry or upset.  It is a behavior left over from childhood.  I was often made to feel that it was stupid when I would get mad at someone or feel certain things.  I told Jeremy of this issue early on in our relationship.  He has worked very hard over the last 8 years to show me that my feelings are my own and I have the right to feel anyway I want to feel about certain situations.  He has shown me that it is okay to be hurt, disappointed, mad, happy, sad and more important that it is okay to cry.

I have had a lot of changes in my life in the last several years.  Even though I would not change meeting Jeremy and having Chandler for all the gold and happiness in the world, my life and future seems bleak.  My OCD, which has always been present. has spiraled out of control.  I have started having panic attacks with regular frequency.  It is getting so bad that just leaving the house makes me break out in a cold sweat.  Last week I became so angry and dispondent that all I wanted to do was sleep.  Just go to bed, sleep and not wake up.  I want to pause life and get off the roller coaster of life that I have been traveling on.

This week I have a better outlook on life.  I am still mad, angry even.  I don't think I have ever felt such intense anger in my life.  But I am dealing with it.  This week I have decided I will not let this win.  OCD, anxiety and my weight will not take me away from Jeremy and Chandler.  I waited and wished for them for too long.  I know this battle has a lot of hills and valleys and lots of stumbling blocks.

Starting March 1, I am going to start walking again.  I hope to attend a yoga class once a week (anxiety attacks aside....thank GOD for Xanax).  My cousin has convinced me to start a program called Advocare.  And I am going to write.  Writing helps me.  It allows me to pull the horrible feelings, anger, and fear out and deal with them.  No one may read this and that is okay.  It is more for me then anyone else.  But maybe someone facing similar struggles can walk with me and we can hold each other up or provide a light when the days are dark.

Today the light is shinning but I know as I have been dealing with this for awhile now, that even though today is bright, tomorrow may be as black as night....those are the days that scare me.  But the things that keeps me going every single day is that I wake up with my first thoughts being of Chandler and Jeremy and every night I go to bed they are the last thoughts I have.  They are the reason that when I go to sleep I always make sure I wake up.......

Till later.....  Becky

Name change...Need suggestions

Good morning everyone.....

Hope everyone is surving the cold weather.  I don't mind the cold but I sure wish it would decided to either be cold and warm and beautiful.  At least when it is warm and beautiful outside, I don't pay attention to how ugly everything feels on the inside.

Well I hinted in my last post that the utlimate goal of my blog is still the same...get healthy.  However, I am focusing less on the physical health and more on mental health.  I will soon be revealing feelings that are very embarrassing to me and that I try to keep hidden from most of the world.  But I just can't do it anymore.

So with that said, I am keeping this posting very short.  But...we need a new name.  And after the last twenty minutes of hunting around in Blogspot and Goggle+, I have discovered that it is possible to change the name of your blog.  So I would love suggestions since I seem to be at a loss for any remote ideas at  all.  I will tell you that not only am I having issues with my weight and physical activities I also have extreme OCD and panic disorder.  The panic disorder is getting so bad that even the doctors think if something doesn't change soon I could become one of those crazy people who can't leave their own house.  In short I feel like I am loosing my mind and bordering on crazy.  It is time to fix crazy and for those that know me well I LOVE to fix things.

So we need some name suggestions?????

Until later...

Becky

Gone but now I am back!!

Hello everyone!

I know that I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for the last year or so and I pretty much did, but now I am back.  I toppled off a mountain but I am slowly starting to climb back up.

So this blog post is just meant to be an update about where I have been for the past year.  When we last shared a thought here I was busting my booty trying to loose weight.  I had this three year goal to be back down to my high school weight before I reach 40 in three years (okay so now it is closer to 2 years).  I was working out at the gym daily either by myself of with a trainer.  I had started Weight Watchers and became obsessed about every bite that went in my mouth.  I really hadn't lost much weight but I felt better - happier, more energized, more excited about life, and just healthier in general.

Many years ago I learned how to play racquetball.  I wasn't very good at the sport but I loved to play it.  Over the years I had a hard time finding someone with a membership at the same place that I did, that actually had a racquetball room, and someone who could play.  However a really great friend of mine that I worked with fit the requirements.  And throughout the years she kicked my butt at the game on a regular basis.  But then marriage, being sick, and a baby stopped us from playing.  I really missed the sport and playing with Stacey.  I was determined that one day I would win at least one game.

So once I started my goal to become healthier and loose weight I was really excited about Stacey and I being able to play again.  I waited a few months, I wanted to make sure I was in shape enough that I could run that room for more then five minutes without falling out because of not being in shape.  So I worked really hard at the gym and when it became apparent that I was ready to start playing again, we signed up for a court at the gym.  We started playing and of course I sucked.  It had been a really long time since I played so I had to figure out the nuisances of the game again.

As we played I really had no points but it wasn't from my weight really slowing me down, it just trying to get back into the rhythm of how to play.  Well we had been playing for maybe 15 to 20 minutes (which is a really long time in racquetball time) when it happened.  The thing I always feared would happen playing this game and no it wasn't getting hit in the face with the ball (Stacey did that to me years ago); I missed the wall.  Now for anyone who doesn't know how to play racquetball, missing the wall probably sounds like a good thing.  It usually isn't.  The walls in a court or lightly padded and are typically used to break your lunge after the ball.  And that is what happened to me, I lunged for the ball and expected to hit the wall, I even prepared myself to hit the wall.  My right arm went out to cushion my fall into the wall but I put my hand too far up on the wall instead of even with my body and as I started to fall I was too far from the wall to actually hit the wall so instead I went down to the floor.  My right arm that was hanging on to the wall too high up was slick with sweat and I only had the heel of my palm on the wall instead of the whole hand.  So as I fell to the floor my left arm flipped behind me.  I heard the breaks in my arm as I hit the floor.  Once on the floor I had about five seconds on no pain and then the pain hit and that was it.  The pain in my arm was horrible.

The hospital confirmed what I knew, I had broken my wrist and the top of the radius bone where it meets the elbow.  I couldn't do anything, the only saving grace was it was my right arm and I am left-handed.  I had surgery a couple of weeks later to remove the top of the bone in my elbow and to determine if I needed an elbow replacement.  They didn't do the replacement, the doc thinks he fixed it enough to get me through another ten years or so before needing the replacement.  A couple of weeks after the surgery I was placed in the robotic brace that control the way I straightened and bent my arm.  About a month after the accident I started physical therapy.  Doctor said it would be a year before I could start going back to the training and the gym.

I became very depressed, all that work I had done and money I had spent was for nothing.  For many months after the surgery I couldn't even pick a glass up and hold it to my mouth.  Still now my arm is very weak and I do not have the ability to straighten it out fully.  The elbow also dislocated very easily.

So now here I am almost a year later and I have nothing to show for it but a nice scar down the side of my arm.  I have not started going back to the gym, I stopped weight watchers so my eating habits are back to where they were, and I just feel miserable.  Along with all of this I have really started having some anxiety problems.

A friend of mine sent me a facebook message a couple of months ago about what happened to my blog.  And I thought well what is the point, I didn't get far on my goal and right now the desire to change myself is not there like it was then.  But there has been some things that have happened to me within the last six months are so, I will get into those things later, and I have come to realize that healthy doesn't just mean running a mile in 15 minutes and only eating veggies and food that is good for you.  Being healthy is the whole body, physically and mentally.  So this blog is still going to be about searching for a healthier me, but the tone is probably going to change.  I will probably reveal a lot of things that will be really hard and embarrassing for others to know but I have learned that writing is cathartic for me and maybe I can help just one other person as well.

But the ultimate moral of this blog is that racquetball is dangerous and when you fall make sure the wall is there to hold you up.

More to come.....

Becky