The last four days have been very long and difficult days. Saturday I had to get out in town among people, not once but twice. It was so hard to do. I think I am doing a pretty good job of looking like everything was okay on the surface. Besides when someone walks up to say hello and how are you doing; they don't want the real answer. You say things are good, things are busy, things are holding up, or whatever BS you can come up with.
Sunday was a bad day. Jeremy started off the day upset because of finacial issues which of course sends me into a funk. I spend the whole time feeling guilty that it is all my fault because I can't handle going back to work, because I bought groceries, or fabric I needed for another quilt, or that I had just gotten Chandler some new clothes. I wait for him to blame me, he never does. So this of course sent my OCD into a tail spend and I franctically started cleaning closets and scrubbing floors on my hands and knees. Jeremy and I finally confronted each other, which of course meant in the end I was sobbing uncontrollably once again fighting the need to just go to sleep or drive away to nowhere. Chandler was witness to the crying and became upset and started hugging my leg saying he was sorry over and over. That really made me fall apart. I spend my life apologizing even for things that are not my fault. My son at three was already picking up the habit. That about destroyed me and Jeremy both.
The last two days have been rough because I haven't been able to sew and work because no daycare with all the schools closed. Sewing is my haven. Sewing and my husband and son are the only things keeping me making it through each day. Chandler has been good today. I was laying there a little while ago and I was really starting to feel anxious, lonely, and feeling like the walls were closing in on me. That is usually the first signals that a pretty bad panic attack is on its way. So to try and to head it off I picked up the phone looking for someone I could call that could distract me. When I picked up the phone there was a message from my aunt in response to my last blog post. I always wondered if she would be the one that could really understand what I am going through.
So my moral for this blog has been my surprise at how many people have read my blog and responded positively. People I haven't spoken to since high school and probably never held a conversation with them for longer then five minues in high school have reached out. I want everyone to know how grateful that makes me feel. That isn't the right work, but I can't think of the right word. I may not be able to reach out but it helps me hold my head up to know that there are so many hands out there reaching for me when I need it.
Disclaimer: For everyone reading this, I feel I should just let you know that if you are looking for professional and grammatical correct, you are reading the wrong blog. I love to write, but I misspell words, either use to many commas or not enough. And I will never figure out which word to use when it comes to choose, chose, loose, lose, loss, lost, and words of those types. I dream of writing a book one day but knowing how bad my grammar is one of the reasons holding me back. The second reason was thinking no one would be interested in anything I was to write.
Till the next day......
Becky
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