Well after much thinking I have finally came up with a new name for my blog. I had many suggestions but in the end I came up with my own. My husband asked me the other night when I was bugging him about a new name, what the goal and purpose of this blog was to be. That was harder to answer then I thought. I am struggling through life right now, sometimes I have to try to make it through each hour of the day instead of just getting through the day. I know that there are many people out there who would read this and think that my problems are nothing and I have everything and should just get over it. Everyone has problems in the world and yes there are people out there whose life sucks and makes mine look like roses. Funny that thought doesn't make me feel any better.
I use to feel that I didn't have the right to feel certain feelings and would often apologize for being angry or upset. It is a behavior left over from childhood. I was often made to feel that it was stupid when I would get mad at someone or feel certain things. I told Jeremy of this issue early on in our relationship. He has worked very hard over the last 8 years to show me that my feelings are my own and I have the right to feel anyway I want to feel about certain situations. He has shown me that it is okay to be hurt, disappointed, mad, happy, sad and more important that it is okay to cry.
I have had a lot of changes in my life in the last several years. Even though I would not change meeting Jeremy and having Chandler for all the gold and happiness in the world, my life and future seems bleak. My OCD, which has always been present. has spiraled out of control. I have started having panic attacks with regular frequency. It is getting so bad that just leaving the house makes me break out in a cold sweat. Last week I became so angry and dispondent that all I wanted to do was sleep. Just go to bed, sleep and not wake up. I want to pause life and get off the roller coaster of life that I have been traveling on.
This week I have a better outlook on life. I am still mad, angry even. I don't think I have ever felt such intense anger in my life. But I am dealing with it. This week I have decided I will not let this win. OCD, anxiety and my weight will not take me away from Jeremy and Chandler. I waited and wished for them for too long. I know this battle has a lot of hills and valleys and lots of stumbling blocks.
Starting March 1, I am going to start walking again. I hope to attend a yoga class once a week (anxiety attacks aside....thank GOD for Xanax). My cousin has convinced me to start a program called Advocare. And I am going to write. Writing helps me. It allows me to pull the horrible feelings, anger, and fear out and deal with them. No one may read this and that is okay. It is more for me then anyone else. But maybe someone facing similar struggles can walk with me and we can hold each other up or provide a light when the days are dark.
Today the light is shinning but I know as I have been dealing with this for awhile now, that even though today is bright, tomorrow may be as black as night....those are the days that scare me. But the things that keeps me going every single day is that I wake up with my first thoughts being of Chandler and Jeremy and every night I go to bed they are the last thoughts I have. They are the reason that when I go to sleep I always make sure I wake up.......
Till later..... Becky
People all have different scenarios running through their life. The only ones that matter are those that become entwined with yours. It doesn't matter what other people think about your life or the trials and tribulations that go through it. That is for you and your family only. Panic Attacks are real and debilitating. One step and one breath at a time can lighten the load you are carrying. Don't get locked into yourself as that path leads to darkness and misery. One step and one breath will bring you into the light and help you through. Your family is the mortar and stone that helps you face all of life's twists and turns. Not everyone has that kind of support. Learn to love and trust the ones that understand and support you. Let go of the ones that want to suck life away from you. One step and one breath at a time.
ReplyDeleteBecky, I just wanted to say that I am so sorry to hear of the pain and struggles you are dealing with. I hope I can give you encouragement during your journey to healing and weight loss. So with that being said I will start with just a little of what I have been convicted in my heart to say since reading your blog.
ReplyDeleteI know really nothing about your spiritual life Becky but I do know your healing begins first with God. Mine did. It has taken a while for me to realize that God loves me just as I am. He loves me! Wow! Finding out I had cancer literally knocked me to my knees. And during my journey I had to take a good look at myself, at all areas of my life. Looking back now I know that part was (and still is) harder to fight than the cancer. It was (and still is) hard for me to give up control.
I not sure where you stand with God Becky. I hope you have asked Him to take this journey of healing with you. Can you make this journey without God? Of course! You don't have to believe in God to lose weight, to get OCD or any of your struggles under control. But with God you can drop all your hurts, illnesses and struggles of life into His hands knowing He will be there He already knows what you're going thru Becky. He just wants you to give it to Him.
I pray that you God will bless you Becky. That you will allow Him to be your rock, your anchor. That you will feel his presence around you, that He will lead you to doctors and people that will serve and minister to you and encourage you in your journey to heal.
Love Aunt Debbie