Hi everyone!
Talk about foreboding....that is the theme of this weekend.
Let's start with Saturday. Instead of queuing up some background music, let me just give you some background information. We have no really close friends, especially those that fit two very basic criteria: a) Have children, much less children close to Chandler's age and b) that even live remotely nearby. So there is a new couple in my quilt guild. An older lady, more my mother's age then mine (but that is typical for me) and her daughter (more my brother's age). But the mother and I seem to be hitting it off, kindred spirits I would say. Her daughter is a lot more outgoing then I am, but I like her. Even better she has a little girl that is Chandler's age. So a couple of weeks ago, Katie (the daughter) and I were chatting on Facebook and she mentioned they were having a birthday party this past weekend for her little girl and would we come and bring Chandler. Since it was so far in advance and I was sure I could come up with an excuse not to go and honestly it did sound like fun at first, I said we would come. I even went so far as to put it in on the calendar. As I got closer to the date, the more nervous and anxious I become. Then Katie came down with the flu and I just knew the party would be canceled, ahh my saving grace. No such luck the party was still on. I so didn't want to go. To a party with a bunch of small children and a bunch of mothers that I did not know. I was terrified. Friday night I finally started talking about the party with Jeremy. I just didn't want to go, but I was having a hard time because ultimately the trip was for Chandler. Of course Jeremy threw that word agoraphobic out at me again. Hey if I never want to leave home that is my decision right??? I notice no one is agreeing with me there. Saturday morning rolls around and I REALLY don't want to go. But it is for Chandler, so I do the one thing that ensures I can't get out of it without really regretting it ALL weekend long. I tell Chandler we are going to go to the zoo. Now Chandler might not care about the animals at the zoo, but he LOVES the train. At that point I am doomed to make a trip to the zoo to a birthday party with a lot of strangers and young children. As it is time to leave, I just want to sit on the floor and throw a crying, screaming fit, saying you can't make me go. Instead I take a Xanax, I probably should have taken it earlier but I was in too much of a panic to remember it. So out the door we go. Now when I have to go somewhere I don't want to go I usually use music or thoughts to distract myself - yep that didn't work. I drove all the way to the zoo with a white-knuckled death grip on the steering wheel, refusing to look at each exit that I passed. Hey those exits are escape routes back home. I am not sure how I kept it together and actually made it to the zoo, but I did. And it helped that the Xanax had kicked in by then. Once at the zoo, I will say it wasn't so bad. It was good and terrible at the same time. I sorta had fun. Chandler had a blast. But I seemed to be the only one constantly hollering at my child to come back and slow down. All the other kids stayed close to their parents. Not my kid, he equates the zoo with the train, feed the fish, and a fun maze to run as fast as he can through and leave his parents behind. My nightmare come to life every time he turned a corner and I couldn't see him anymore. That hitch of fear when you realize you can't see your young child ahead of you and the even worse gasp of fear when you turn the corner and don't immediately see him. If it hadn't been for that constant fear I would have been okay. Of course most of the parents looked at me like I was a horrible person because I couldn't keep up with my child. They really weren't looking at me that way but my imagination said they did.
So was Saturday successful??? A good day or a bad day??? Which corner do I put a check mark in...horrible, failure, bad, okay, good, great, or successful??? Part of me says failure...but I am trying to focus on something good... I saw Chris (the mother) and I haven't seen her in awhile. Seeing her makes me want to cry in relief sometimes because she is battling a lot of the same problems I am, which means she REALLY gets it. I did get out of the house, to the zoo, with just me and Chandler. So I am putting a mark in the successful box. I did it. It might have taken some kicking, screaming, and drugs to do it, but I did it. Only for Chandler.
The reason I want to say failure is because the anxiety and fear of going into Alexandria and being around people is getting worse not better. It seems foreboding...which leads to the next foreboding even of the weekend.
My aunt has posted on Facebook the date for the upcoming Chandler family reunion/Crawfish boil. It use to be a time of year that I really looked forward to. Never missed it. Already the fear of going feels like it is stuck in my throat choking me. I have already asked Jeremy even if he could find a reason for him and I not to go and send Chandler to my parents for that weekend so he can go. I want Chandler to be there, I just don't want to be there. And it isn't that I don't want to see my family and my extended family from Arkansas that I only see about once a year. But yet at the same time that is exactly what I don't want to do. I don't want to leave my home and safety and go there for the day. Here I know who I am, I am comfortable with who I am and my husband and son loves who I am. Around family I always feel like I need to play a role and no matter what I do, I never measure up. I am not skinny enough, not exciting enough, not sociable enough, don't say the right things, don't dress good enough, and honestly the list could go on and on and on and on and on....you get the idea. I just don't want to go. I already feel the need to cry with panic because I don't want to go. But I have to go...Oh Lord, Easter better hurry up and get here or I will drive myself crazy over this family event.
And the last event, actually happened last night and this morning. NIGHTMARES. I dream, alot. Always have been a dreamer. Sometimes I can dream so much I feel like I have gotten no rest at all. Usually about seven out of ten times my dreams are actually horrible nightmares. The doctor has given me some medicine, that doesn't really stop me from dreaming but it does make it so usually within 30 minutes of waking up I can't remember the dreams. Doesn't seem to be working this time. I had a lot of dreams, nightmares last night and unfortunately I can't seem to forget these. Now most of the time my nightmares are very crazy and unrealistic. Almost sci-fi crazy. I had two separate nightmares last night. The first was the crazy, unrealistic, sci-fi nuts. It was like something out of a really creepy Criminal Minds episode that was doing a crossover with the Walking Dead. (And I hadn't even gotten to watch the Walking Dead episode from last night yet..so I can't place the blame there.) This nightmare woke me up. That is usually a bad sign for me when a nightmare wakes me up. Usually means I was really scared and freaked out and it also means I am doomed to repeat it as soon as I fall back to sleep. I did fall back to sleep but this second nightmare was not a repeat episode. It was actually worse because it was very realistic and something over my head like an anvil that I have been waiting for it to drop on me. In my dream it had dropped and I was dealing with the consequences of it. It was really bad. The worse thing about both nightmares is that I still remember them both vividly and I can't seem to forget them, which means I will replay them over and over in my head and desperately to the point of panic try to find something to distract myself from the replays in my head.
I guess I am going to go eat and watch last night's Walking Dead as a possible distraction. Heck it will be nothing compared to me first nightmare last night.
Can I just tell you I have a horrible feeling it is going to be a bad week already.........
Till later....Becky
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