Fight Song

Hello Everyone!

I figured it was time for an update. So last week Jeremy was in Seattle and Portland spending each day watching the first round college games in March Madness.  Ugh, sounds horribly boring to me, but he loves it.  Chandler has been at my parents so that I could have some time to see if I can get my head back on straight.

It has been great, I don't really want reality to return.  There have been no pressures, no demands, no schedules to keep, places to be, no worries about the state of the house or if dinner is cooked.  And even better, I think my mother has gotten my son potty trained! Thank you God!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy should be home very late tonight; of course that is if his flights don't continue to get diverted (long story, not worth sharing).  I am ready for him to be home.

I have slowly been learning a lot about myself and what makes up the person I am.  Last time I posted I talked about my life rope.  I have really clung to that imagery this week.  However, I noticed something else that has always been in my life but I have never paid attention to how important it is to my life.  That is music.

I love music.  And thinking back it is everywhere in my life.  I remember singing children's songs at church. I can remember having music time in elementary school, Ms. Carol was the teacher I think, she had this record player and would play songs that we would sing in class. "She'll be coming around the mountain" is the first song I think of.  I remember growing up and my Aunt Debbie was always singing songs to her boys and the rest of the grandchildren.  I remember my dear sweet grandpa rocking the babies in his recliner at night just a singing soft lullabies.  I can't remember what any one song was, but I swear sometimes I can still hear the murmur of his voice as he would sing and rock.  It makes me so sad to know that my son never got to be rocked and sung to sleep by grandpa.  I remember my first records were Michael Jackson's Thriller and Madonna's Material Girl.  I think I wore those records out.  I loved watching musicals on TV.  Grease was probably my favorite.  I remember in my preteen years locking myself in my room in the evenings dancing my heart out and singing at the top of my lungs to songs.  I was performing concerts and living other lives on those nights.  My poor parents, I don't remember them complaining much.  I remember Sarah and her obsession with the Judds and Pasty Cline.  We knew all the words and would sing constantly to them.  Sarah and I riding in the back of my dad's truck singing those songs at the top of our lungs together.  I slept with a radio on all the time, sometimes I don't think the radio ever got turned off, even when I was at school.  I am pretty sure I drove my mother mad with that one.

In high school I joined the band, I would rather have joined the choir, but as much as I LOVE to sing, I am tone dead.  So I joined the band and played the clarinet.  I was okay with it, I loved hearing all the music from the entire band, but I didn't love the instrument.  I wanted to play the violin or the piano, but those weren't instruments that were taught in band.  I would still give anything to learn to play the piano, but someone has told me that I am too old to learn.  Oh well, Chandler will one day learn for me.

It was this week that I realized how powerful music is for me.  I don't care for silence, but I am not like Jeremy and others that can just have the TV on in the background.  I want music on.  I might tune it out but it is still there.  When I can't sleep I can put headphones on so that all I hear is music, the words, the beat of the drums, and rhythm of other instruments.  I just sort of drift off.  I just let the music surround me and sometimes every thing falls away.  I think that is always why I have music going in the car.  I have realized that when the music is on and I am caught up in it, I am doing things like driving on autopilot.  There are no worries and no concerns.  Even when I travel the music is blasting, but if I get in an unfamiliar busy city I have to turn it down so I can concentrate on the traffic and what I am doing.  When I have Chandler in the car with me, I usually have to turn the music real low to hear him talking to me, maybe that is why I get nervous while driving with him.

This week I have realized that music gives me strength.  It powers my emotions.  The type of songs brings on those emotions.  This week I made a new playlist and called it My fight songs.  I heard a new song on the radio a couple of weeks ago and loved the sound of it, the beat, the rhythm, the tune, the voice, the whole song appealed to me.  Then I listened to the words.  I have since downloaded the song and play it on repeat sometimes, singing the song at the top of my lungs over and over.  I have even caught myself dancing around a room to some of the songs, I haven't done that in a long time.
But this new song, by Rachel Platten has become my motto song.  It has made me realize that I am stronger then I think.  Honestly at the beginning of last week I had given up.  I was just going through the emotions, almost happy about the coming day when I couldn't leave the house.  Now I am not.  I am strong and I am a fighter.  And this song, aptly named, "Fight Song" has reminded me of a part of myself that I thought lost.  I would like to share the lyrics to the song with you.


                                                       "Fight Song"

Like a small boat
In the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
In the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Till later....

Becky