Well, I said this was going to be a bad week. Let's just say this week has SUCKED!!!!!! Of course I went into the week feeling like things might be bad.
So let's just get straight to it. I have been asked many times this week by many different people what is wrong? What is causing all these reactions? What is bothering me?? I could probably come up with several more ways that same question has been asked this week. And the Answer is???? I have no damn clue. I could list several different things that are bothering me or worrying me at any one time. And trust me that list would be long and more then half of it would be illogical. I feel like I am fighting endless battles in my head. I come up with worries, what-ifs, negative thoughts, or potential problems ALL day long. And as I am thinking those crazy, illogical, and unreasonable feelings and fears, I KNOW they are crazy, illogical and unreasonable. But I am learning that knowing it doesn't always convince yourself. And the thoughts and feelings are even beginning to enter my dreams.
Do you know how exhausting and draining that is? I get to the point, especially after having a panic attack, that the well is dry and I have nothing left. I just become numb and hollow inside. I don't care. That is the time that Jeremy fears the most. In my case, it is the time I am okay with and even somewhat relieved. I would say that is the time that I look forward to, but that really sounds bad. At least when I am numb and hollow there is no worries, their is no illogical battles going on in my head. I don't feel scared, sad, upset, angry and it is nice to have a few hours not feeling that way. The other side to that is that I really don't have the energy to feel ANYTHING. I don't feel happy, excited; I am not even sure how much love I feel at those times. I just am going through the motions. I put on the right face, but it is fake, blank, and empty.
That is how I feel right now. I had a panic attack Monday afternoon again while driving my son home from daycare. Then I had a severe one yesterday trying to go to my quilter's guild meeting. So of course several ladies had to actually force walk me inside the room and then everyone could see that Becky was having her crazy moment.
To make matters worse, I have realized a new "worry" to obsess about. Right now Chandler doesn't understand what is going on with mommy. He is too young. But one day he will be old enough to understand that there is something wrong with mommy. To think last year at this time I was worried my son would get older and be embarrassed because his mommy was fat. That is the least of my worries now. Now I am worried he will be embarrassed because I have lost my mind, gone crazy, and can't leave the house without having panic attacks.
And yes, I know even as I write that paragraph it will not be true, but that doesn't mean I have convinced myself. Maybe I have split personality?? Nah, I am probably a better study for Freud and his theory of id, ego, and superego.
Till later....Becky
Becky,
ReplyDeleteLet me first say that I love you. You are my niece, the child of my brother, family, and it hurts to see where you are and the pain you are going thru. We all, family and friends alike, want to jump in there and do whatever we can, say whatever we can, to help you out of this dark pit you are in, to help solve your problems and make you better. But none of us can help you with the physical part of it, meaning doing what a doctor or therapist is qualified to do, medication, etc. But we can be there for you, to encourage you, to listen and to offer advice and comments. And I hope you are encouraged. But, because you’ve gone public with your blog, you can expect to get negative feedbacks and comments from those who just don’t understand why you can’t just “snap out of it.” These comments, as I read your above entry, bring more stress to you.
HAVE YOU TRIED GOD?!
You have not mentioned God in any of your posts. I asked you last week if you had thought about God and you told me No, that you had not even considered God. So the encouragement and advice that I can and will offer you comes from the only place I know where you can find real HOPE, true HOPE and that is with God.
We all go thru trials and tribulations in our life Becky and bad things do happen to good people. But who do YOU depend on? Where do YOU find hope and courage?
Oh Becky, God is there! He loves you! He has not left you, you are not lost to Him. If you think that there is no answer out there and you have reached a HOPELESS END, then I am here to tell you that as a believer in Jesus Christ we are given an ENDLESS HOPE!
It is that HOPE that we can be secure in. It doesn’t mean that we won’t have trials, troubles, disease, even death. I don’t want to go thru any of these things, but I will; I don’t want to be afraid, but I will; I don’t want to question God, but I will. But through it ALL Becky, God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in the time of trouble (Psalms 46:1).
I know for a fact that God can pull you through this. But it has to begin with you. I believe that before we can ask God for anything, we have to first seek forgiveness from Him. How can we expect him to answer our prayers and do things for us when we are not living our lives according to His will? I believe when you come to that reality in your life Becky, and you are ready to lay it all at the foot of the cross and just say WHATEVER GOD, then He can and will start working in your life. He’s waiting for you.
Dear Heavenly Father, you know what Becky is going through, you know her heart God. I pray that she will seek your will in her life and learn to trust you. Give her strength and courage to take steps in the right direction for healing. Surround her with people who love her. I ask this in the name of your son, Jesus Christ. Amen
Love Aunt Debbie