Walking really is the key to fighting general anxiety disorder and OCD.

Hello everyone!!!

Can I say that the person I feel like now is totally different from the person I was in February.  In February of this year I was scared of my own shadow, I panicked at the slightest moment of distress, and I could barely leave my house without taking Xanax and sometimes that did even work.  It was safe to say I was in a very dark and scary place mentally.  I was almost to the point where even the thoughts of my husband and child were not enough.  I was truly ready to just go to sleep forever.  I hated myself.  I hated the weakness, I hated the crippling fear, I hated the lack of interest, I hated that I had gotten to the point that I couldn't even smile at my young son's crazy comments and activities.  It is so hard to explain, but if you have been there or suffer from anxiety, depression, and OCD then you know where I was at.

I was just so tired.  All the things in life I enjoyed just vanished.  My therapists kept telling me I had to much time on my hands and I needed to get up and make plans.  She also reminded of the name of my blog...Walking with Becky.  Becky needed to walk and she meant it literally.  I knew I needed to get up and start exercising, I just couldn't make myself get up and do it.  I started telling myself that every week this would be the week I would start walking the track at the church behind the house.  However, every single week I came up with a reason to push it back another week.  Part of the hatred  that I was feeling was aimed at myself.  I am fat, I can't walk up the stairs in the house without being winded.  I couldn't stand up from the chair or the bed without rolling out of it.  I felt like a watermelon with legs.

When I hit rock bottom in February and decided I had enough I had written something on a pad of paper.

                     "The light at the end of the tunnel…how stupid.  There is no light at the end of the tunnel.  The light is behind me and the tunnel just gets darker the further you go.  I know I am going the wrong direction.  But the tunnel is so dark I can’t figure out the way up or down.  I think I am traveling down and not up.  But occasionally I get confused as to which way I am going.  I do know that whichever way I am traveling panic, fear, and anxiety are becoming rage and anger but past that there is blessed numbness and I am feeling hollow.   Through this tunnel, whichever way I am traveling I just keep repeating and hearing the echo ….Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy, Chandler, Jeremy………….."

After writing that I threw the pad down on the bed and turned over to go to sleep.  My husband read it, I knew he was coming home and sometimes I think I left it there on purpose so he could see it.  After reading it I heard my husband falling apart, he knew I was ready to leave.  Hearing my husband being ripped apart by something I wrote was the turning point.  I knew he needed me and no matter how tired and ready I was at that moment I had to reassure him I was okay and I wasn't going anywhere.  That was when I knew that it was time to suck it up and crawl my way out of this dark hole I was in.  

I also knew that exercise was the key.  To all those people out suffering like I was and people telling you that getting up and becoming active and exercising helps, they are right.  I know when you are falling down that rabbit hole of darkness, every time someone mentions you just need to get up and exercise you just want to punch the crap out of them.  Unfortunately it does truly help.  I knew that I was never going to go to that track and start walking on my own. I needed someone right there beside me pushing me to do it, someone to be waiting on me every day.  When someone is waiting on you to show up and your paying them money you tend to make less excuses.  A year ago at this time I was working out at the gym, I had a trainer I met with once a week and she didn't allow excuses, I was doing weight watchers  (for any of you that are OCD, I do not recommend weight watchers, it is a really bad trigger for OCD), I was loosing weight and I just felt great.  Then I broke my arm playing racquetball and everything I had done went down the drain.  That is when the world started becoming dark and I started sinking into the quicksand.  

I have gone back to using a trainer, Phyllis is great.  I have started changing my eating habits and I am loosing weight.  Since starting back at the gym I haven't lost a whole lot of actual weight off the scale but I am now wearing jeans that I haven't been able to wear in over a year.  I feel good, I have more energy, I am happier, more at peace, and the old me is starting to resurface.  

Now I am not saying my "illness" is cured and all the anxiety is gone away.  I don't think it is something that is ever "cured".  It is managed.  Once you become able to function and think rationally again you can begin to focus on the issues and change them but most importantly you learn the triggers.  You figure out where the problems are and what to avoid.  My OCD still triggers and I still get anxious.  I know that when life gets hectic and a lot of things start piling up I start getting nervous and shaky.  But I don't spend every waking moment waiting for the panic attack that will finally get me admited in a mental hospital.  I see the warning signs and am once again learning how to deal with it as it happens.  For people that suffer from the same problems the best thing you can do is figure out what triggers the anxiety, the fear, the panic, and the OCD.  Then once you figure it out you learn techniques to help you deal with it or avoid that issue.  Now I don't really want to use the word avoid the issue because if that was the case then I would have never driven a car again or leave my house.  But there are some things that you know trigger those feelings that you can avoid.  The best method in my opinion is learning the triggers, learning to be aware of those feelings and stop them before they begin.  I go to the gym, I have started yoga, I am learning zentangling, I am using anti-stress coloring books.  All of these things help calm me so I can deal with the issues that are causing all those bad feelings.

There is one more new issue that had reared its ugly head in my life now and it is called RAGE!  My next post will focus on this new emotion in my life and how I am dealing with it.

Till later....

Becky

It is time for an update

Hello everyone!!

I must say the last month has been CRAZY.  Some parts of it have been good, some not so good, and some really bad.  In the grand scheme of things I am doing okay.  My panic attacks are getting fewer and I am getting out of the house more.

I actually went to Alabama at the end of March for a three day long arm quilting class.  I did really well considering I was away from home, by myself, drove the whole way there and back, and stayed in the home of the hostess (a complete stranger).  I really learned alot about my long arm machine and free motion quilting.  The class was with the amazing Irena Bluhm.  I really hope to take more classes at another time.  It was great and I learned that I really am an artist.  Look at what I did!!!!

Another positive thing is that I started going back to the gym and working out with a trainer again.  It is the highlight of my weeks.  I love going.  I may want to cuss, groan, cry, beg and plead for mercy while I am there, but in the end I feel so much better and really love going every week.  I work with the trainer three days a week.  Everyone says that it helps with anxiety and depression and I believe it.  I feel so much stronger, not just physically but mentally as well.  And in the month or so I have been going I have lost about 6 or 7 lbs.  I am pleased with it.  

I have not set any major weight goals or returned to weight watchers.  All of that leads to obsessions and I am leery of anything that will trigger my OCD right now.  Right now my main goal is just to feel better and get up and moving.  I am still hoping that I can achieve the goal that I set last year around this same time and that was to reach my high school weight by the time I reach 40.  Still have two years so it is entirely possible.  

Today was really fun because we added some punching bag stuff to our routine.  It was a BLAST.  It is really great for releasing anger.  I could see myself getting alot more into that.  I use to love doing taebo and kickboxing in my early twenties.  

I am leaving saturday for Tampa to spend some time with Marcy.  I am really excited about that, first it is a chance to get away and I get to see Marcy.  I don't think I have seen her since Chandler was just about ten months old and he will be four soon.  I think it is supposed to rain while we are there but even if her and I are trapped in a hotel together I will be fine.

You know as I am writing this I am trying to think of the negative things that have happened since I last posted a blog.  I think I was even working on a negative one about a month ago when I got sidetracked and never finished it.  I find that to really be able to express the feelings I have to write about them while I am experiencing the feelings.  I guess the two biggest negatives is that I was involved in a car accident that was my fault.  It really shook me up and caused a massive panic attack.  I was attempting to face a driving fear that day by going the direction that I went.  It is safe to say that I did not conquer the fear as much as I reinforced the fear with the car accident in the exact area I was scared of.  It really bothering me because I was hit on the same side of the car Chandler was sitting on.  To make it all worse, it was my fault so I got the ticket and the damage to my car was so bad that my car was totaled.  But hey I got a new car out of it so that is good right.

I have had a lot of problems with the quilting guild that I belonged to and basically have been pushed out.  There is so much to this issue that it would take two entire posting to get it all out there and honestly I don't want to think about it.  But I have quit the guild or at least stopped acting as the program director.  The surprising thing with all of this is that instead of depressing me and causing panic attacks it has just seriously pissed me off.  I have discovered in the last couple of months that I have developed some rage issues.

Rage is such an unfamiliar emotion for me that I don't know how to deal with it and process it.  I can't seem to internalize it and let it go.  It is very uncomfrotable, I think between the rage and the working out is a big reason for the fewer panic attacks.  The rage is another reason I asked about adding the punching bag routine to our workouts.  I need some way of releasing the anger.  

Well I think this is enough of an update for the moment.  Besides I would hate to bore anyone with the randomness of my daily life.  I just wanted to let everyone that right now I am jogging up the hill and feeling good.  I know that there will be some more stumbles, trips, falls and slips but I am determined in the end to keep going up that damn hill instead of tumbling head over heels down the hill.  

Till later....

Becky

Fight Song

Hello Everyone!

I figured it was time for an update. So last week Jeremy was in Seattle and Portland spending each day watching the first round college games in March Madness.  Ugh, sounds horribly boring to me, but he loves it.  Chandler has been at my parents so that I could have some time to see if I can get my head back on straight.

It has been great, I don't really want reality to return.  There have been no pressures, no demands, no schedules to keep, places to be, no worries about the state of the house or if dinner is cooked.  And even better, I think my mother has gotten my son potty trained! Thank you God!!!!!!!!!

Jeremy should be home very late tonight; of course that is if his flights don't continue to get diverted (long story, not worth sharing).  I am ready for him to be home.

I have slowly been learning a lot about myself and what makes up the person I am.  Last time I posted I talked about my life rope.  I have really clung to that imagery this week.  However, I noticed something else that has always been in my life but I have never paid attention to how important it is to my life.  That is music.

I love music.  And thinking back it is everywhere in my life.  I remember singing children's songs at church. I can remember having music time in elementary school, Ms. Carol was the teacher I think, she had this record player and would play songs that we would sing in class. "She'll be coming around the mountain" is the first song I think of.  I remember growing up and my Aunt Debbie was always singing songs to her boys and the rest of the grandchildren.  I remember my dear sweet grandpa rocking the babies in his recliner at night just a singing soft lullabies.  I can't remember what any one song was, but I swear sometimes I can still hear the murmur of his voice as he would sing and rock.  It makes me so sad to know that my son never got to be rocked and sung to sleep by grandpa.  I remember my first records were Michael Jackson's Thriller and Madonna's Material Girl.  I think I wore those records out.  I loved watching musicals on TV.  Grease was probably my favorite.  I remember in my preteen years locking myself in my room in the evenings dancing my heart out and singing at the top of my lungs to songs.  I was performing concerts and living other lives on those nights.  My poor parents, I don't remember them complaining much.  I remember Sarah and her obsession with the Judds and Pasty Cline.  We knew all the words and would sing constantly to them.  Sarah and I riding in the back of my dad's truck singing those songs at the top of our lungs together.  I slept with a radio on all the time, sometimes I don't think the radio ever got turned off, even when I was at school.  I am pretty sure I drove my mother mad with that one.

In high school I joined the band, I would rather have joined the choir, but as much as I LOVE to sing, I am tone dead.  So I joined the band and played the clarinet.  I was okay with it, I loved hearing all the music from the entire band, but I didn't love the instrument.  I wanted to play the violin or the piano, but those weren't instruments that were taught in band.  I would still give anything to learn to play the piano, but someone has told me that I am too old to learn.  Oh well, Chandler will one day learn for me.

It was this week that I realized how powerful music is for me.  I don't care for silence, but I am not like Jeremy and others that can just have the TV on in the background.  I want music on.  I might tune it out but it is still there.  When I can't sleep I can put headphones on so that all I hear is music, the words, the beat of the drums, and rhythm of other instruments.  I just sort of drift off.  I just let the music surround me and sometimes every thing falls away.  I think that is always why I have music going in the car.  I have realized that when the music is on and I am caught up in it, I am doing things like driving on autopilot.  There are no worries and no concerns.  Even when I travel the music is blasting, but if I get in an unfamiliar busy city I have to turn it down so I can concentrate on the traffic and what I am doing.  When I have Chandler in the car with me, I usually have to turn the music real low to hear him talking to me, maybe that is why I get nervous while driving with him.

This week I have realized that music gives me strength.  It powers my emotions.  The type of songs brings on those emotions.  This week I made a new playlist and called it My fight songs.  I heard a new song on the radio a couple of weeks ago and loved the sound of it, the beat, the rhythm, the tune, the voice, the whole song appealed to me.  Then I listened to the words.  I have since downloaded the song and play it on repeat sometimes, singing the song at the top of my lungs over and over.  I have even caught myself dancing around a room to some of the songs, I haven't done that in a long time.
But this new song, by Rachel Platten has become my motto song.  It has made me realize that I am stronger then I think.  Honestly at the beginning of last week I had given up.  I was just going through the emotions, almost happy about the coming day when I couldn't leave the house.  Now I am not.  I am strong and I am a fighter.  And this song, aptly named, "Fight Song" has reminded me of a part of myself that I thought lost.  I would like to share the lyrics to the song with you.


                                                       "Fight Song"

Like a small boat
In the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Losing friends and I'm chasing sleep
Everybody's worried about me
In too deep
Say I'm in too deep
And it's been two years
I miss my home
But there's a fire burning in my bones
And I still believe
Yeah I still believe

And all those things I didn't say
Wrecking balls inside my brain
I will scream them loud tonight
Can you hear my voice this time

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

A lot of fight left in me

Like a small boat
In the ocean
Sending big waves
Into motion
Like how a single word
Can make a heart open
I might only have one match
but I can make an explosion

This is my fight song
Take back my life song
Prove I'm alright song
My power's turned on
Starting right now I'll be strong
I'll play my fight song
And I don't really care if nobody else believes
Cause I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Now I've still got a lot of fight left in me

Till later....

Becky

My Life...My Rope...

Good evening everyone!

Well it is pretty late in the night, but I can't sleep.  I have had the focus of a blog rolling around in my head so I finally gave up trying to sleep and thought I would write instead.  Now let me first warn you that I probably have enough thoughts rattling around in my head to make up three separate blog post, so forgive me if I start to wonder off or ramble around.

So as a trained counselor I believe very highly in the power of visualization.  But I learned a LONG time ago just how powerful visualization can be to a person.  Imagine...you are a heavy person and you start working out, even though you probably haven't lost any weight in a week or two (or if you have it isn't really noticeable) people start making remarks that you look like you have lost weight.  That my friends is visualization.  It is so powerful that sometimes we outwardly can project those visualization and others notice it in us.  A skinny person eats a dozen donuts and is guilty and thinks they instantly gained ten pounds; suddenly people make mention of them looking they have gained weight.

I think I have always been a person with strong visualization abilities, it is also known as imagery.  Regardless of what you call it, I have been using it my entire life to navigate my way through life.  Sometimes this skill is subconsciously done and sometimes we do it on purpose.  Rehearsed a speech in the mirror, played out a conversation, interview, or confrontation in your head....all of this is the same concept.

Since I have been having "problems" I have realized that I have had lots of problems with imagery and visualization.  I haven't been able to do it.  I hate surprises and the unknown so when I plan on Sunday for the what the coming week will bring, I am visualization all the appointments we have, places to be, deadlines to meet, and anything else that could happen throughout the week.  That is why I never use to worry about today, because I was already a week ahead in my mind.  These days I can't imagine the next hour, much less, already planned the hour I am currently experiencing....hence intense panic and anxiety.

So what does all of this have to do with a rope?  I imagine that our life is a rope.  A rope can be small, thin, and extremely fragile, it can be long, skinny, and shiny, it can be thick, tough, and rough, and you get the idea.  But every person's life is a rope and it starts at birth, even conception as a very thin, fine, fragile, and almost microscopic thread.  Very easily breakable.  As we grow, as we experience life, emotions, traumas, tragedies, happiness, love, laughter, and sadness a new thread is added to our rope.  As we get older and experience life our rope grows thicker and stronger.  As adults our life rope (I like that concept name) is made up of hundreds and thousands of threads.  On its own a single thread can break very easily but our threads become entwined with each other and melded together into one strong rope.  Sometimes threads fray and become thin, some become ragged and break, and some grow thicker and stronger.

For the last year of my life I have slowly visualized my rope getting weaker and weaker, thinner and more fragile.  I see threads fraying and some might even have broken.  I feel as if I have no control and things are spiraling so fast I am loosing the grip and connection to my rope.  I fear what happens when there are only a few threads left holding my rope together.  If a rope breaks and all the threads snap is that death?  I can't let that happen.  I refuse to let that happen.  These thoughts and the things I have been going through has convinced me that somehow I have forgotten or lost many of the threads that have been my life.  At almost 38, I could imagine there are million of threads that have grown together to make up my rope.  Think of a memory from your childhood that you all the sudden remember and that memory makes you smile, cry, happy or sad; you are remembering a thread.  I think remembering those memories, those threads, remind us of who we are and reinforce a frayed thread.  So I think that is what I need to do.  Remember who I am.  I use to be proud of who I was and the fact that I saw myself as a strong, independent person.  Now I look in the mirror and see a weak, frightened, and terrified person hiding in the corner from life.  I am not even sure I look in the mirror anymore.



Some of you may view all of this as utter bullshit.  It doesn't matter how you view it.  It doesn't matter if the concept makes sense to you or not.  Some may think I am continuing to freefall off the deep end (heck I still feel like I am freefalling off a cliff) and some may think I am grasping at anything I can catch to break my fall.  I know that even though I feel okay at this moment, I also know that I am still freefalling downwards.  For tonight I am going to go to sleep dreaming that I am trying very hard to hold onto that rope and stop my freefall.  Tomorrow, the next day, or even next week I will worry that I may actually still be falling and the bottom is getting closer.  But right now I got a fingertip grip on the rope, which in my mind is progress.

Kim this week I am taking your advice and hitting the reset button. :)

Till later....
Becky

I don't have an answer!!!!!

Hello everyone!

Well, I said this was going to be a bad week.  Let's just say this week has SUCKED!!!!!! Of course I went into the week feeling like things might be bad.

So let's just get straight to it.  I have been asked many times this week by many different people what is wrong?  What is causing all these reactions?  What is bothering me??  I could probably come up with several more ways that same question has been asked this week.  And the Answer is???? I have no damn clue.  I could list several different things that are bothering me or worrying me at any one time.  And trust me that list would be long and more then half of it would be illogical.  I feel like I am fighting endless battles in my head.  I come up with worries, what-ifs, negative thoughts, or potential problems ALL day long.  And as I am thinking those crazy, illogical, and unreasonable feelings and fears, I KNOW they are crazy, illogical and unreasonable.  But I am learning that knowing it doesn't always convince yourself.  And the thoughts and feelings are even beginning to enter my dreams.

Do you know how exhausting and draining that is?  I get to the point, especially after having a panic attack, that the well is dry and I have nothing left.  I just become numb and hollow inside.  I don't care.  That is the time that Jeremy fears the most.  In my case, it is the time I am okay with and even somewhat relieved.  I would say that is the time that I look forward to, but that really sounds bad.  At least when I am numb and hollow there is no worries, their is no illogical battles going on in my head.  I don't feel scared, sad, upset, angry and it is nice to have a few hours not feeling that way.  The other side to that is that I really don't have the energy to feel ANYTHING.  I don't feel happy, excited; I am not even sure how much love I feel at those times.  I just am going through the motions.  I put on the right face, but it is fake, blank, and empty.

That is how I feel right now.  I had a panic attack Monday afternoon again while driving my son home from daycare.  Then I had a severe one yesterday trying to go to my quilter's guild meeting.  So of course several ladies had to actually force walk me inside the room and then everyone could see that Becky was having her crazy moment.

To make matters worse, I have realized a new "worry" to obsess about.  Right now Chandler doesn't understand what is going on with mommy.  He is too young.  But one day he will be old enough to understand that there is something wrong with mommy.  To think last year at this time I was worried my son would get older and be embarrassed because his mommy was fat.  That is the least of my worries now.  Now I am worried he will be embarrassed because I have lost my mind, gone crazy, and can't leave the house without having panic attacks.

And yes, I know even as I write that paragraph it will not be true, but that doesn't mean I have convinced myself.  Maybe I have split personality?? Nah, I am probably a better study for Freud and his theory of id, ego, and superego.

    

Till later....Becky

My very unsettling weekend

Hi everyone!

Talk about foreboding....that is the theme of this weekend.

Let's start with Saturday.  Instead of queuing up some background music, let me just give you some background information.  We have no really close friends, especially those that fit two very basic criteria: a) Have children, much less children close to Chandler's age and b) that even live remotely nearby.  So there is a new couple in my quilt guild.  An older lady, more my mother's age then mine (but that is typical for me) and her daughter (more my brother's age).  But the mother and I seem to be hitting it off, kindred spirits I would say.  Her daughter is a lot more outgoing then I am, but I like her.  Even better she has a little girl that is Chandler's age.  So a couple of weeks ago, Katie (the daughter) and I were chatting on Facebook and she mentioned they were having a birthday party this past weekend for her little girl and would we come and bring Chandler.  Since it was so far in advance and I was sure I could come up with an excuse not to go and honestly it did sound like fun at first, I said we would come.  I even went so far as to put it in on the calendar.  As I got closer to the date, the more nervous and anxious I become.  Then Katie came down with the flu and I just knew the party would be canceled, ahh my saving grace.  No such luck the party was still on.  I so didn't want to go.  To a party with a bunch of small children and a bunch of mothers that I did not know.  I was terrified.  Friday night I finally started talking about the party with Jeremy.  I just didn't want to go, but I was having a hard time because ultimately the trip was for Chandler.  Of course Jeremy threw that word agoraphobic out at me again.  Hey if I never want to leave home that is my decision right??? I notice no one is agreeing with me there.  Saturday morning rolls around and I REALLY don't want to go.  But it is for Chandler, so I do the one thing that ensures I can't get out of it without really regretting it ALL weekend long.  I tell Chandler we are going to go to the zoo.  Now Chandler might not care about the animals at the zoo, but he LOVES the train.  At that point I am doomed to make a trip to the zoo to a birthday party with a lot of strangers and young children.  As it is time to leave, I just want to sit on the floor and throw a crying, screaming fit, saying you can't make me go.  Instead I take a Xanax, I probably should have taken it earlier but I was in too much of a panic to remember it.  So out the door we go.  Now when I have to go somewhere I don't want to go I usually use music or thoughts to distract myself - yep that didn't work.  I drove all the way to the zoo with a white-knuckled death grip on the steering wheel, refusing to look at each exit that I passed.  Hey those exits are escape routes back home.  I am not sure how I kept it together and actually made it to the zoo, but I did.  And it helped that the Xanax had kicked in by then.  Once at the zoo, I will say it wasn't so bad.  It was good and terrible at the same time.  I sorta had fun.  Chandler had a blast.  But I seemed to be the only one constantly hollering at my child to come back and slow down.  All the other kids stayed close to their parents.  Not my kid, he equates the zoo with the train, feed the fish, and a fun maze to run as fast as he can through and leave his parents behind.  My nightmare come to life every time he turned a corner and I couldn't see him anymore.  That hitch of fear when you realize you can't see your young child ahead of you and the even worse gasp of fear when you turn the corner and don't immediately see him.  If it hadn't been for that constant fear I would have been okay.  Of course most of the parents looked at me like I was a horrible person because I couldn't keep up with my child.  They really weren't looking at me that way but my imagination said they did.

So was Saturday successful??? A good day or a bad day??? Which corner do I put a check mark in...horrible, failure, bad, okay, good, great, or successful??? Part of me says failure...but I am trying to focus on something good... I saw Chris (the mother) and I haven't seen her in awhile.  Seeing her makes me want to cry in relief sometimes because she is battling a lot of the same problems I am, which means she REALLY gets it.  I did get out of the house, to the zoo, with just me and Chandler.  So I am putting a mark in the successful box.  I did it.  It might have taken some kicking, screaming, and drugs to do it, but I did it.  Only for Chandler.

The reason I want to say failure is because the anxiety and fear of going into Alexandria and being around people is getting worse not better.  It seems foreboding...which leads to the next foreboding even of the weekend.

My aunt has posted on Facebook the date for the upcoming Chandler family reunion/Crawfish boil.  It use to be a time of year that I really looked forward to.  Never missed it.  Already the fear of going feels like it is stuck in my throat choking me.  I have already asked Jeremy even if he could find a reason for him and I not to go and send Chandler to my parents for that weekend so he can go.  I want Chandler to be there, I just don't want to be there.  And it isn't that I don't want to see my family and my extended family from Arkansas that I only see about once a year.  But yet at the same time that is exactly what I don't want to do.  I don't want to leave my home and safety and go there for the day.  Here I know who I am, I am comfortable with who I am and my husband and son loves who I am.  Around family I always feel like I need to play a role and no matter what I do, I never measure up.  I am not skinny enough, not exciting enough, not sociable enough, don't say the right things, don't dress good enough, and honestly the list could go on and on and on and on and on....you get the idea.  I just don't want to go.  I already feel the need to cry with panic because I don't want to go.  But I have to go...Oh Lord, Easter better hurry up and get here or I will drive myself crazy over this family event.

And the last event, actually happened last night and this morning.  NIGHTMARES.  I dream, alot.  Always have been a dreamer.  Sometimes I can dream so much I feel like I have gotten no rest at all.  Usually about seven out of ten times my dreams are actually horrible nightmares.  The doctor has given me some medicine, that doesn't really stop me from dreaming but it does make it so usually within 30 minutes of waking up I can't remember the dreams.  Doesn't seem to be working this time.  I had a lot of dreams, nightmares last night and unfortunately I can't seem to forget these.  Now most of the time my nightmares are very crazy and unrealistic. Almost sci-fi crazy.  I had two separate nightmares last night.  The first was the crazy, unrealistic, sci-fi nuts.  It was like something out of a really creepy Criminal Minds episode that was doing a crossover with the Walking Dead.  (And I hadn't even gotten to watch the Walking Dead episode from last night yet..so I can't place the blame there.)  This nightmare woke me up.  That is usually a bad sign for me when a nightmare wakes me up.  Usually means I was really scared and freaked out and it also means I am doomed to repeat it as soon as I fall back to sleep.  I did fall back to sleep but this second nightmare was not a repeat episode.  It was actually worse because it was very realistic and something over my head like an anvil that I have been waiting for it to drop on me.  In my dream it had dropped and I was dealing with the consequences of it.  It was really bad.  The worse thing about both nightmares is that I still remember them both vividly and I can't seem to forget them, which means I will replay them over and over in my head and desperately to the point of panic try to find something to distract myself from the replays in my head.


I guess I am going to go eat and watch last night's Walking Dead as a possible distraction.  Heck it will be nothing compared to me first nightmare last night.

Can I just tell you I have a horrible feeling it is going to be a bad week already.........  

Till later....Becky

Even my toes are HAPPY!!!

Hello everyone!

I have decided today to write a happy post.  There are days that are happy, it is unfortunately the bad says that stick with us the most and are the ones that prompt me to write.  But even though there could be a few low points, I am doing pretty good.

The weekend was nice.  Chandler went to spend the weekend with my parents.  He hadn't been to visit in awhile and I needed a break, he needed a break, and I think Paw Paw was going through some serious Chandler withdrawals.  So Chandler was gone and Jeremy worked Friday and had a game Friday night and he had a game on Saturday that was far enough away he gone for most of the day.  I enjoyed those two days.  I sewed in my studio, I watched several movies, listened to some books, and even took a couple of naps.  The best part was that I worked in my studio till quite late at night and didn't have to worry about stopping unless I wanted to.  It was so nice and peaceful.  I even went to get a pedicure.  Hence the happy toes. If polka dots on your toes can't make you happy then I am in really bad shape. :)

I guess I should point out the downsides of that time but I promise not to focus on it.  Jeremy and I were supposed to attend a wedding down south and were going to go till the last minute.  Part of our backing out had to do with Jeremy getting a basketball game on Saturday, but if I hadn't changed my mind about the wedding, he wouldn't have gotten the game.  I just couldn't do it, the closer it got to the wedding the higher the anxiety and worse the panic attacks were getting.  Then on Saturday, while Jeremy was gone to the game, I really wanted to go see a movie.  The Jupiter Ascending movie is still out and really want to see it but Jeremy doesn't.  At one time, having an evening free like that would guarantee I would be at the movie.  I just couldn't do it, I couldn't make myself go.  Too scared.

Sunday was quiet, Jeremy and I slept late, took naps.  I got a little anxious that night.  So we got up and cleaned the areas that were bothering me.  Then we decided to watch the movie Gone Girl since I had finally finished the book on tape.  What a crazy book and movie.  I was suppose to go to my first yoga class on Sunday, and even thought Lyndon sent me a reminder, I did pretend to forget it.  Still haven't even mentioned going to them to Jeremy yet.

This morning I braved a trip into Alexandria to get Chandler from my parents.  I was supposed to go to my book club meeting, but I had to pick Chandler up at 9:30 and the meeting started at 9:30.  I could have gotten Chandler, taken him to daycare in Pineville and then returned to Alex for the meeting.  I would have been late but the meeting usually lasts till almost noon most of the times.  I wanted to go, but honestly I was scared and I didn't think I could handle two trips into Alex that fast on the same day.  The good thing was that instead of taking Chandler back to daycare, he and I made a trip to Walmart in Pineville (that is big for me, especially having Chandler with me).  Then we came home and laid around watching TV.  I am cooking dinner.  Chandler and I have made fresh frozen strawberry yogurt (actually we ate half of it before we could get it in the freezer) and we have made frozen yogurt bark with blueberry infused cranberries, strawberries, and mini chocolate chips.  It is in the freezer now.  Can't wait till we get to eat it.  Chandler and I had a great time licking the bowl.  It was nice to bring him home and spend the day hanging out together.

So yea there are some low points and things from the past few days, but right now I am looking at the glass half full and not half empty.  I will worry about the fact that my world is starting to narrow before my eyes tomorrow.  For today, I am happy, Chandler is home with me watching TV.  Dinner is cooking and it is a new receipt I wanted to try, healthy, but sweet desserts are waiting for tonight and my toes have pink polka dots on them.  Yep it is a good day!!!!!

Till later....
Becky

Today I am still walking....

I think this blog just might actually help save my sanity if not my life.  I have thought of several different blog topics over the last few days but none of them really felt right at the time.  Maybe later.
The last four days have been very long and difficult days.  Saturday I had to get out in town among people, not once but twice.  It was so hard to do.  I think I am doing a pretty good job of looking like everything was okay on the surface.  Besides when someone walks up to say hello and how are you doing; they don't want the real answer.  You say things are good, things are busy, things are holding up, or whatever BS you can come up with.

Sunday was a bad day.  Jeremy started off the day upset because of finacial issues which of course sends me into a funk.  I spend the whole time feeling guilty that it is all my fault because I can't handle going back to work, because I bought groceries, or fabric I needed for another quilt, or that I had just gotten Chandler some new clothes.  I wait for him to blame me, he never does.  So this of course sent my OCD into a tail spend and I franctically started cleaning closets and scrubbing floors on my hands and knees.  Jeremy and I finally confronted each other, which of course meant in the end I was sobbing uncontrollably once again fighting the need to just go to sleep or drive away to nowhere.  Chandler was witness to the crying and became upset and started hugging my leg saying he was sorry over and over.  That really made me fall apart.  I spend my life apologizing even for things that are not my fault.  My son at three was already picking up the habit.  That about destroyed me and Jeremy both.

The last two days have been rough because I haven't been able to sew and work because no daycare with all the schools closed.  Sewing is my haven.  Sewing and my husband and son are the only things keeping me making it through each day.  Chandler has been good today.  I was laying there a little while ago and I was really starting to feel anxious, lonely, and feeling like the walls were closing in on me.  That is usually the first signals that a pretty bad panic attack is on its way.  So to try and to head it off I picked up the phone looking for someone I could call that could distract me.  When I picked up the phone there was a message from my aunt in response to my last blog post.  I always wondered if she would be the one that could really understand what I am going through.

So my moral for this blog has been my surprise at how many people have read my blog and responded positively.  People I haven't spoken to since high school and probably never held a conversation with them for longer then five minues in high school have reached out.  I want everyone to know how grateful that makes me feel.  That isn't the right work, but I can't think of the right word.  I may not be able to reach out but it helps me hold my head up to know that there are so many hands out there reaching for me when I need it.
   

Disclaimer: For everyone reading this, I feel I should just let you know that if you are looking for professional and grammatical correct, you are reading the wrong blog.  I love to write, but I misspell words, either use to many commas or not enough.  And I will never figure out which word to use when it comes to choose, chose, loose, lose, loss, lost, and words of those types.  I dream of writing a book one day but knowing how bad my grammar is one of the reasons holding me back.  The second reason was thinking no one would be interested in anything I was to write.

Till the next day......

Becky

Name change part II

Good evening friends....

Well after much thinking I have finally came up with a new name for my blog.  I had many suggestions but in the end I came up with my own.  My husband asked me the other night when I was bugging him about a new name, what the goal and purpose of this blog was to be.  That was harder to answer then I thought.  I am struggling through life right now, sometimes I have to try to make it through each hour of the day instead of just getting through the day.  I know that there are many people out there who would read this and think that my problems are nothing and I have everything and should just get over it.  Everyone has problems in the world and yes there are people out there whose life sucks and makes mine look like roses.  Funny that thought doesn't make me feel any better.

I use to feel that I didn't have the right to feel certain feelings and would often apologize for being angry or upset.  It is a behavior left over from childhood.  I was often made to feel that it was stupid when I would get mad at someone or feel certain things.  I told Jeremy of this issue early on in our relationship.  He has worked very hard over the last 8 years to show me that my feelings are my own and I have the right to feel anyway I want to feel about certain situations.  He has shown me that it is okay to be hurt, disappointed, mad, happy, sad and more important that it is okay to cry.

I have had a lot of changes in my life in the last several years.  Even though I would not change meeting Jeremy and having Chandler for all the gold and happiness in the world, my life and future seems bleak.  My OCD, which has always been present. has spiraled out of control.  I have started having panic attacks with regular frequency.  It is getting so bad that just leaving the house makes me break out in a cold sweat.  Last week I became so angry and dispondent that all I wanted to do was sleep.  Just go to bed, sleep and not wake up.  I want to pause life and get off the roller coaster of life that I have been traveling on.

This week I have a better outlook on life.  I am still mad, angry even.  I don't think I have ever felt such intense anger in my life.  But I am dealing with it.  This week I have decided I will not let this win.  OCD, anxiety and my weight will not take me away from Jeremy and Chandler.  I waited and wished for them for too long.  I know this battle has a lot of hills and valleys and lots of stumbling blocks.

Starting March 1, I am going to start walking again.  I hope to attend a yoga class once a week (anxiety attacks aside....thank GOD for Xanax).  My cousin has convinced me to start a program called Advocare.  And I am going to write.  Writing helps me.  It allows me to pull the horrible feelings, anger, and fear out and deal with them.  No one may read this and that is okay.  It is more for me then anyone else.  But maybe someone facing similar struggles can walk with me and we can hold each other up or provide a light when the days are dark.

Today the light is shinning but I know as I have been dealing with this for awhile now, that even though today is bright, tomorrow may be as black as night....those are the days that scare me.  But the things that keeps me going every single day is that I wake up with my first thoughts being of Chandler and Jeremy and every night I go to bed they are the last thoughts I have.  They are the reason that when I go to sleep I always make sure I wake up.......

Till later.....  Becky

Name change...Need suggestions

Good morning everyone.....

Hope everyone is surving the cold weather.  I don't mind the cold but I sure wish it would decided to either be cold and warm and beautiful.  At least when it is warm and beautiful outside, I don't pay attention to how ugly everything feels on the inside.

Well I hinted in my last post that the utlimate goal of my blog is still the same...get healthy.  However, I am focusing less on the physical health and more on mental health.  I will soon be revealing feelings that are very embarrassing to me and that I try to keep hidden from most of the world.  But I just can't do it anymore.

So with that said, I am keeping this posting very short.  But...we need a new name.  And after the last twenty minutes of hunting around in Blogspot and Goggle+, I have discovered that it is possible to change the name of your blog.  So I would love suggestions since I seem to be at a loss for any remote ideas at  all.  I will tell you that not only am I having issues with my weight and physical activities I also have extreme OCD and panic disorder.  The panic disorder is getting so bad that even the doctors think if something doesn't change soon I could become one of those crazy people who can't leave their own house.  In short I feel like I am loosing my mind and bordering on crazy.  It is time to fix crazy and for those that know me well I LOVE to fix things.

So we need some name suggestions?????

Until later...

Becky

Gone but now I am back!!

Hello everyone!

I know that I seemed to have dropped off the face of the earth for the last year or so and I pretty much did, but now I am back.  I toppled off a mountain but I am slowly starting to climb back up.

So this blog post is just meant to be an update about where I have been for the past year.  When we last shared a thought here I was busting my booty trying to loose weight.  I had this three year goal to be back down to my high school weight before I reach 40 in three years (okay so now it is closer to 2 years).  I was working out at the gym daily either by myself of with a trainer.  I had started Weight Watchers and became obsessed about every bite that went in my mouth.  I really hadn't lost much weight but I felt better - happier, more energized, more excited about life, and just healthier in general.

Many years ago I learned how to play racquetball.  I wasn't very good at the sport but I loved to play it.  Over the years I had a hard time finding someone with a membership at the same place that I did, that actually had a racquetball room, and someone who could play.  However a really great friend of mine that I worked with fit the requirements.  And throughout the years she kicked my butt at the game on a regular basis.  But then marriage, being sick, and a baby stopped us from playing.  I really missed the sport and playing with Stacey.  I was determined that one day I would win at least one game.

So once I started my goal to become healthier and loose weight I was really excited about Stacey and I being able to play again.  I waited a few months, I wanted to make sure I was in shape enough that I could run that room for more then five minutes without falling out because of not being in shape.  So I worked really hard at the gym and when it became apparent that I was ready to start playing again, we signed up for a court at the gym.  We started playing and of course I sucked.  It had been a really long time since I played so I had to figure out the nuisances of the game again.

As we played I really had no points but it wasn't from my weight really slowing me down, it just trying to get back into the rhythm of how to play.  Well we had been playing for maybe 15 to 20 minutes (which is a really long time in racquetball time) when it happened.  The thing I always feared would happen playing this game and no it wasn't getting hit in the face with the ball (Stacey did that to me years ago); I missed the wall.  Now for anyone who doesn't know how to play racquetball, missing the wall probably sounds like a good thing.  It usually isn't.  The walls in a court or lightly padded and are typically used to break your lunge after the ball.  And that is what happened to me, I lunged for the ball and expected to hit the wall, I even prepared myself to hit the wall.  My right arm went out to cushion my fall into the wall but I put my hand too far up on the wall instead of even with my body and as I started to fall I was too far from the wall to actually hit the wall so instead I went down to the floor.  My right arm that was hanging on to the wall too high up was slick with sweat and I only had the heel of my palm on the wall instead of the whole hand.  So as I fell to the floor my left arm flipped behind me.  I heard the breaks in my arm as I hit the floor.  Once on the floor I had about five seconds on no pain and then the pain hit and that was it.  The pain in my arm was horrible.

The hospital confirmed what I knew, I had broken my wrist and the top of the radius bone where it meets the elbow.  I couldn't do anything, the only saving grace was it was my right arm and I am left-handed.  I had surgery a couple of weeks later to remove the top of the bone in my elbow and to determine if I needed an elbow replacement.  They didn't do the replacement, the doc thinks he fixed it enough to get me through another ten years or so before needing the replacement.  A couple of weeks after the surgery I was placed in the robotic brace that control the way I straightened and bent my arm.  About a month after the accident I started physical therapy.  Doctor said it would be a year before I could start going back to the training and the gym.

I became very depressed, all that work I had done and money I had spent was for nothing.  For many months after the surgery I couldn't even pick a glass up and hold it to my mouth.  Still now my arm is very weak and I do not have the ability to straighten it out fully.  The elbow also dislocated very easily.

So now here I am almost a year later and I have nothing to show for it but a nice scar down the side of my arm.  I have not started going back to the gym, I stopped weight watchers so my eating habits are back to where they were, and I just feel miserable.  Along with all of this I have really started having some anxiety problems.

A friend of mine sent me a facebook message a couple of months ago about what happened to my blog.  And I thought well what is the point, I didn't get far on my goal and right now the desire to change myself is not there like it was then.  But there has been some things that have happened to me within the last six months are so, I will get into those things later, and I have come to realize that healthy doesn't just mean running a mile in 15 minutes and only eating veggies and food that is good for you.  Being healthy is the whole body, physically and mentally.  So this blog is still going to be about searching for a healthier me, but the tone is probably going to change.  I will probably reveal a lot of things that will be really hard and embarrassing for others to know but I have learned that writing is cathartic for me and maybe I can help just one other person as well.

But the ultimate moral of this blog is that racquetball is dangerous and when you fall make sure the wall is there to hold you up.

More to come.....

Becky

Scale Obsession...Healthy?

I bought a new scale the other day and Jeremy has already hidden it from me.  Let's me honest it hasn't been a good week.  If I had written this blog anytime before Monday it would have had a totally different tone, but alas I did not get a chance to write and now everything has changed.  My emotions through this whole journey seems to be all over the place.

So last week I was pumped up, yes the scale hadn't moved in either direction, but I was wearing jeans I hadn't been able to wear in over six months, I got my engagement ring back on my hand, I was starting to see some muscle definition again, and I just felt really good.  I felt healthy.  I had convinced myself that my goal was more about health then numbers on the scale.  I have managed to keep within my weight watcher points daily.  I could tell there was a pep in my step, not because I was all the sudden skinny, but because I knew that I was so much healthier then I was a month ago.  People were asking if I had lost weight.  I realize that is more about the way I felt about myself than the way I actually look.  A month ago when I was walking around I felt like a watermellon, I felt fat.  Now as I am walking around I don't feel fat.  Sure I still weigh 300 lbs, but I wasn't feeling the 300 lbs.  I can now walk up the stairs in my house without pausing at the top to catch my breath.  I truly feel that the way we preceive ourselves has a lot to do with the way others see us.  If you feel fat, then people see fat.

All of this was last week's feelings.  I was determined that it didn't overly matter what the numbers on the scale were, it mattered on how I felt.  I felt healthy and good.  I wasn't winded after sweeping the floor and taking breaks because I was exhausted.  Those were the important things, not the fact that the numbers on the scale have been stuck at 310.5 for over two weeks now.  For those who don't know me I am very OCD.  It seems that the scale has now become an object for my obsession.  Last week I was going to start this blog repeating the scale is not my obsession.  I am not sure if I was trying to convince you or me.  Now I know, I was so trying to convince myself.  I have failed miserably.

Jeremy keeps trying to convince me it is about the journey and not neccessarily the destination.  I know I have to be driving the man up a wall.  (Sorry, honey!)  It is official, I am obsessed with the scale, I must have stepped on that damn scale 10 times yesterday.  I came home from the gym crying yesterday because the numbers aren't moving.  I mean what the hell am I doing this for?

 I don't mind the workouts at the gym.  I have remembered this past month how much I truly enjoy the workouts and weightlifting.  I love my trainer, she is awesome, funny, patient, and really good at what she does.  I find the workouts at the gym with her are fun and I really look forward to those three days a week I get to spend with her.  I don't really care for the off days when all there is to look forward to is some boring cardio equipment.  Eventually I will make it to a couple of the cardio based classes.  I love the gym.

But all this eating crap, that is where it gets me.  I have become obsesed with food.  How many calories, how many weight watch points, how big is this portion (I am doing everything I can not to allow myself buy a food scale), and can I force myself to eat veggies I really don't like.  I go to the grocery store scanning everything through weight watchers for points before it goes in the buggy.  And I remember when the most diffcult thing at the grocery store was passing up the donuts (you should still see me run past them with my eyes averted and as if the devil is chasing me).  I keep changing my normal recipes at home for lighter ones, making Jeremy and Chandler eat stuff they don't really care for either.  I must stop and admit here that Jeremy hasn't complained yet about the food changes.

Why am I forcing all this food crap if the numbers are just going to sit there.  I am denying myself everything and for what? For the numbers to sit at 310 for multiple weeks in a row.  Yesterday at the gym I asked Emily what am I doing wrong.  So we spent a majority of the time discussing food.  Too much fruit, too much bread and carbs, too much sugar, and not enough protien. Between that and the numbers on the damn scale I have gone into a funk.  I came home so upset and crying, Jeremy tried real hard to help me.  He listened to me rant over having to change once again the way we eat.  How do we add more protein and less carbs?  Should I just eat chicken everything day and cook them something else?  I love to cook normally, now I am beginning to hate it.  It was fun at first with finding a way to lighten up my normal recipes but still keep them from tasting like cardboard.

It is taking a lot of thinking, visualization, and arguments with myself to try and convince myself I am looking at all of this wrong again.  I don't think I have been truly successful yet.  Jeremy and I talked again last night, with him reminding me that this wasn't suppose to be about a diet and just becoming skinny.  He didn't care about the numbers on the scale.  In the beginning, even though I set a number goal, I didn't care about the numbers on the scale.  I just wanted to be healthy and active.  I crave being outside,  hiking, walking, camping, bike riding, and so many other outdoor things.  My weight has stopped all of that.  It is real hard to hike outdoors when you can't walk up your stairs without being severly winded.  This was about getting to do all of those things, it was about being able to actively play with Chandler and teach him a love for outdoors.  I have never been skinny and I never will be.  I will never wear a bikini swimsuit on the beach.

If I drastically change my eating habits just to lose weight then I know I have already lost.  It will work, the numbers will go down and I will be happier for awhile, but in the end it will just be a diet.  What happens after the diet is over?  The weight returns.  Did my eating habits need to change...hell yes.  Drinking four dr. pepper's a day, having a large bag of mini kit kats every day for lunch, eating a pint of ice cream every night night, having three and four waffles with syrup every morning, and just grazing on junk all day needed to go. But denying myself everything is a little extreme and will just cause me a serious relapse at some point.  I mean I couldn't even cook dinner last night because everything I picked up last night had more then the allotted amount of carbs or sugar.

Well obviously I haven't fully convinced my OCD yet, because I am still feeling the inner tug-of-war, but I have to remember this was a lifestyle change for a healthy me, not an obsessed me.  I will still count the carbs, the sugar, the protien, and the numbers on the scale for a little while longer.  I still feel depressed and upset by the lack of weight loss.  My brain knows the logic and the reality, this was about learning moderation and control.  My emotions and OCD will eventually catch up with my brain.  Just not today.

Goals, Rewards, and a changing life.

Good morning everyone!

Well someone asked me for a new post the other day.  She insisted on a new post and said this was her holding me accountable.  Thanks Kim, I needed the kick in the booty to write.

As an update to my last posting, it appears that the last two weeks, especially the week I was so upset about actually have been good weeks in the way of weight loss.  The one week I was so upset about I ended up loosing a grand total of 3 pounds.  I was so scared stepping on the scale that morning.  Once I realized that I had lost weight and as much as I did I was so happy I might have cried for a few minutes there.  I felt like I had climbed a mountain that day.  I know three pounds in a week isn't much to some but for me it was huge.
I have a weigh in my my wonderful trainer, Emily, every Tuesday.  I dread and look forward to that day all the time.  Tuesday of this week I stepped on the scale to realize I had lost two more pounds.  That makes five pounds in two weeks.  I keep wondering if I keep that average, how long it would actually take to get to my goal.  I am too scared to actually do the math, so someone do it for me.

All of this actually leads to the point of this blog.  Everyone keeps asking me what my goals are and at first the goals were real simple; 1. get to high school weight, 2. get off of medications, and 3. get healthy.  I have realized I am going to need a few more goals then this and with these goals I need some rewards.  I have been pondering and agonizing over these so called goals and rewards for the last two weeks.  Some of my goals are private.  I know I have put a lot of personal information out here with this but there is just some things that are TMI.  So just know that there are some goals you will never really know about.

My husband, Jeremy, has been a big support so far through this.  He is eating the new meals and recipes without complaints and he is helping with the shopping when I am worried the urges are going to overcome me.  He is also learning right along with me what places are bad to eat at and what foods are okay.  When I was preparing to go to the gym Monday night he asked how much weight I thought I had lost and what was my goal for the week.  I don't really have a weekly weight goal per say.  From week to week all I worry about is not falling off the donut wagon (I had no clue how much I liked donuts), not busting my weight watcher points, making it to the gym or working out five days a week, and loosing weight.  I don't really care how much weight I lose each week just as long as the numbers go down or stay the same.  If I made a weekly weight goal I would end up quiting.  I am a perfectionist and a little bit competitive with myself, so if I set a weekly goal and wasn't able to make it each week I would get depressed and give up.  Besides I figure as long as I am not busting my weight watcher points then the scale isn't going to go up.  So far I have kept my weekly goals except for making it to the gym five days a week.  I am making it there at least three days with Emily, but the other two days can be problematic sometimes due to life getting in the way.  So to fix that excuse I got a couple of  workout videos that I can do from home.

I have realized that since this is such a long term project I need to set some short term goals and long term goals and rewards.  So here is what I have come up with so far, this is just a hodgepodge of things, wishes, and desires that have crossed my mind in the last couple of weeks.

1. Get out of plus size clothes
2. Be able to get my engagement ring back on my finger
3. Participate in a marathon
4. Hike a nature trail 
5. Bike a nature trail
6. Shop at the Limited and be able to wear the beautiful clothes there. (I think that is the name of the store over by Dillard's)
7. Wear shorts
8. Lay on the beach in a swim suit without being self conscious
9. Go on a cruise (my fear of wearing a swim suit in public is what is stopping this for me)
10. Loose 100 pounds before attending my 20 year class reunion next year.
11. Run a mile
12. Play on an adult volleyball or softball team
13. Live a more active life with my husband and son
14. Throw away all plus size clothes and buy a new wardrobe

My first goal was to make it to 40 years old and weight within 15 pounds of 150.  I have learned that with these goals I need a reward system.  Now that was harder then coming up with goals.  Every reward I came up with at first involving indulging in some food I haven't been allowing myself to enjoy.  Well that sure doesn't work in the end.  For my ultimate goal, if I make to 40 with the weight I wanted then I want a HUGE birthday party.  I want every friend and family member there.  I am not going to dread and cry over turning 40, it is going to be the best birthday ever.  And I am not planning my own birthday party, I need some friends to step it up.  This party is going to be big, I even want my out-of-state friends to find a way to be there.  And if Jeremy and I leave on a second honeymoon the next day, then it would be even better.

Until this morning I still had no small rewards for the small steps.  But while riding the exercise bike at the gym this morning I was reading a People magazine that was spotlighting normal people like me who had lost significant weight amounts on their own.  It was about how they did it and what motivated them to do it.  One of the ladies in the magazine mentioned that every time she lost a total of ten pounds she would reward herself with something small, such as a pedicure or massage.  There was my light bulb.  This weekend, Jeremy and I, (though he doesn't know it yet) are going to create a ten pound jar.  In this jar we are going to fill it up with slips of paper that contain small and large rewards.  A pedicure and manicure, a professional massage, a weekend trip, a new item of clothing, and etc...Then each time I loose a total of ten pounds I get to draw a reward from the jar.  This weekend Jeremy and I will brainstorm for items to go into the jar.  If you have some suggestions then please send them our way.  (Besides it would be nice to see some comments.)

One other thing that crossed my mind with the whole goal and reward idea was what happens when I turn 40 and I have reached my goal.  What then?  I need a way to ensure that I keep the weight off, so when I turn 41 (a year after my goal date) if the weight is still off then I want to get a tummy tuck.  I will probably need one.  So I guess the Jabba jar will be my ten pound jar and the extremely awesome Princess Leia jar will be my tummy tuck jar.  So maybe with every ten pounds lost I should put ten dollars in the jar?  Will have to think about that one some more.

To all my fellow supporters and accountants, thank you!

  

The Good, the Bad, and the Okay

The Good, the Bad, and the Okay

My new trainer told me when we first got started to realize that some weeks would be great and I would see several pounds gone, some weeks would be bad and actually see the numbers go back in the wrong direction and some weeks would just be okay with no change.  Logically I understand this piece of advice, however I was expecting those bad and okay weeks to be further down the road.  Well not my luck.  This past week was a rough week in my opinion.  Now I will step on the scale tomorrow to find out whether it was truly good, bad, or okay.  But if felt like a bad week.

On Monday, of this past week I almost quit.  I ate a salad and busted all of my Weight Watchers points.  Now not only did the salad, my favorite salad by the way, take all of my daily points I had remaining on Monday, but it took all my extra weekly points.  I was so upset I think I cried even.  I could understand if I busted the week by being weak and buying those donuts, or cinnamon rolls, or junk food, but no a SALAD. I couldn't believe how a salad could ruin a whole week.

Who knew salads were EVIL!

Now I have only been doing Weight Watchers for about three weeks now.  But I have realized real quick that if I eat right during the week and save my weekly points then I can be a little indulgent over the weekend.  So I have been saving that extra Dr. Pepper, candy, ice cream, or donuts for the weekend.  I was so devastated this week to realize that I would have no points for the weekend.

My trainer really opened my eyes after telling her about the whole salad deal that my own attitude would be what would defeat me.  That really kind of scared me.  Wanting to give up completely after one slip up is my own worst enemy.  Probably has something to do with my OCD and perfectionist-attitude.  I realized this week, that three years is a long time and there are going to really bad weeks and good time.  I am going to have to learn to take those bad weeks in stride.

Of course after spending all weeks agonizing over the whole salad debacle I was able to put many things in perspective.

1.  The "I quit" because things go wrong one day has got to go.
2.  Understanding nutrition better.  A salad is not going to put on ten more pounds
3.  Weight Watchers is not exact, just because I go over in points doesn't mean weight will not be lost that week or weight will be gained.
4.  Three years is a long time.

As a side note: I have discovered something about me and blogging today.  If I am writing based on feelings then I need to do the writing when the feelings are present.  This blog would have been so much better last week while I was experiencing and working through these feelings.  Today is Monday, a whole new week and last week is done and gone.  My mindset and emotions are different today so I would write a total different blog based on my current emotions.  It seems like each Monday is becoming sort of a reset.

If only life really came with a reset button!

Stumbling blocks....

I thought getting out of Super One this weekend not once, not twice, but three whole times without buying krispy creme donuts or their fresh made cinnamon rolls was huge.  In some cases it might have been easier then the current roadblock.  Heck the first two times through Super One I managed not to even look at the bakery items as I walked through.  The third time was a little bit harder.  But it was actually a panic button tip on the weight watchers website that helped me through the issue.  The tip was about how to convince yourself not to buy or eat something that isn't good for you and how to decide if it was worth it or not.  It was that piece of thinking that got me through it.

I had just come from the movie theatre were I fell going up the stairs in the movie room.  Thank God we were late and the movie had already started.  Unfortunately I also fell in front of my brother's girlfriend, who I was meeting for the first time.  (Great way to make an impression!)  And the bruises on my toe confirm that I either broke it or sprang it real good.  I am babbling, let's get to the point here.  Before the movie I went to the Oriental Wok with a friend.  I had been saving up points all week just for that lunch.  I didn't use near the points I expected while I was there.  So after falling at the movie theatre and being good this week with my points I decided to stop at Super One and treat myself to a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream.

Another thing I had to have while at Super One was this container of Planter's Omega 3 nuts.  It is a combination walnuts, cranberries, & dark chocolate covered soynuts.  It is awesome, and good for you.  Thank God because I can eat the whole container in one sitting if not careful.  So I got my ice cream, headed to get the nuts, which dammit was directly beside the bakery isle.  I looked at those donuts and cinnamon rolls for five minutes.  I even went to grab the donuts when I realized I had the ice cream and that is when I remembered the tip.  Was the donuts worth the ice cream?  Was the ice cream worth the donuts?  I couldn't have both.  In the end the ice cream won.  Of course I had to scan both to determine the point value for each.  Ice cream had less points, more milk, and I decided I wanted it more than the other.

So now my current stumbling block.  In my sewing studio I keep a container full of food to eat while I am in there.  I almost always forget to go for lunch while in there, so when I get hungry I snack on whatever is in the box.  Guess what the box contains candy and junk food.  I have bought new stuff to put in the box, but I just can't seem to do it.  Healthier food never tastes as good as chocolate.  I can't make myself throw all the junk food away and I certainly don't want to bring it in the house.  I will just eat it here.  It has got to go.  Too bad Jeremy is still out of town, he would hide it from me.

I think I figured out how to solve this stumbling block, it is all of you cheering me on and this embarrassing blog that is clearing the way.

Here is my current junk food box.  

 Here are the new items to go in the box (or refrigerator).

Here is the new improved studio lunch box.

And the old junk items have been double bagged and I intend to throw them on top of this pot in the top of my pantry, but the lid must be missing up there because the bag disappeared into the pot once thrown. 

 Out of sight out of mind.

Thanks everyone for your help!  You might not have even known you helped but you did.  Because I knew a few people would be reading this and Facebook, I knew I had to be strong enough to overcome this block in my way.

Sincerely,

Becky

Hello Everyone!

This will probably be the most embarrassing thing I have ever done.  A few people keep telling me how brave I am to put this out there.  I don't know if it is bravery, desperation, a plea for help, or my own way of dealing with the feelings.  Of course I think the last one is closer to the truth.  But it is also about accountability.  So let me tell you a little history first.

I am 36 years old.  I am married to an attorney, who is also a basketball referee.  My husband is pretty skinny and active, heck in the beginning I referred to him as a bean pole.  He has gained some weight since being married, so I guess now he is more of a totem pole.  We have been married six years in June and will have been together seven years in June.  We have an extremely active two and half year old little boy who would rather live outside riding tractors with his paw paw then be inside for any reason.

Growing up in high school I was pretty active, I played softball.  I also played family volleyball and things like that.  I did consider myself heavy in high school.  Especially since in my mind I wasn't skinny enough for any of the guy's in high school to want to go out with me, wasn't skinny enough or pretty enough to hang out with the skinny girls and their group, and wasn't skinny enough to be anything but the nerd.  (Hey, I was a complete nerd with my nose in a book.)  Looking back on those high school pictures I have to wonder if I was really heavy or not. Sure I wasn't a size 6, but I wasn't a blimp either.  My average weight in high school fluctuate between 135 - 150 lbs.

Almost twenty years later, it is safe to say I am fat.  I feel fat.  I get winded walking up the stairs to the second floor of my home.  I am having problems bending over, tieing my shoes, getting up and down from the floor.  Let me stop embarrassing myself, take my word for it I am fat.  I have been having help problems off and on for the last several years.  Of course none of the doctors have been brave enough to just come out a say your too fat.  Loose some weight and the problems with disappear.  

Within the last month or so the scale finally tipped over to 300 lbs.  I have hit the wall.  I can't keep doing this.  I hate myself, I hate my body, I hate that I can't do anything, I hate being winded.  I hate it all.  I want to run, play volleyball and softball with adults and not look like a watermelon rolling around the place.  I want to go hiking and bike riding with my husband and son.  I want to go to the beach so bad, even more I want to go on my first cruise.  But until I loose some weight I am too embarrassed for a beach much less a cruise.  

So I have set some goals and I need all the help I can get in keeping them. I know this is going to take time and will not be accomplished overnight.  But by 40 years old I want to:

1. Off all medicines
2. Better health
3. Weigh what I did in high school (between 130 - 150),
4. Run and complete my first marathon.

To start towards these goals I am in my second week of weight watchers, I joined the LC gym, I meet with a trainer three times a week, I plan to attend gym 5 days a week, and I have cleaned out the pantry and frig of junk and really bad food. And now I have started this blog.  It is meant to track my progress and emotions, get positive feedback, tips on eating better, and cooking better, recipes, and hopefully encouragement for others.  

I am not planning to post my daily weight watcher points, or food I ate this week, and things like that.  Just feelings I have, problems I discover, temptations in my path, triumphs, and setbacks.  And hopefully in three years I can close this blog with a better picture and a healthier life. 

Here is my before picture that I took today.  I am not proud of the pictures.  I hate them, but they are truthful and I have made a promise to myself to remain truthful to you and myself through the journey.

Let the journey begin.......

Becky